Revolving Door

I don't know what it is about music.  Or specifically, certain songs.  Just hearing the first few strums of a guitar, a beating of a drum or a couple of words....It can evoke happiness, sadness, excitement, the NEED to dance or shake your ass. 

They can bring back a crap ton of memories that you had thought of only in passing...until you hear those notes. 

THOSE notes bring back a flood of highs and lows.  A flood of overwhelming emotions that make the bottom of your stomach feel like a mixture of excitable butterflies and ocean waves. 

Well, at least that's how it is for me.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. 

I had downloaded a bunch of songs last night onto my iPod.  I was having fun going through and thinking about songs I listened to like ten years ago(ish) and seeing what I could remember about them, or what I was doing around that time, that made me like them so much.

I wasn't listening to many of the songs as I downloaded them, knowing that I would be rocking out to them in my car in the morning.  (Which I totally did!)

So when the first few strums of the guitar came on in the song by Crazy Town called Revolving Door...holy crap.  I got sucker punched. 

Those chords that start playing were the first (and really the only) song I ever learned to play (and not well) on a guitar.  I was taught by a guy I worked with...That doesn't sound like much...but it really was.

I hung out with this guy ALL the time.  I adored him.  ADORED.  And honestly, looking back, I think he adored me too.  He hated Senor with everything he had in him.  He would always find ways to try and get me away from Senor...try and break me of that "spell" he felt I was under.  Which, I probably was. 

TJ (not real name, obv) and I would sit in his garage with all his guitar stuff (he had electric, acoustic, amps, etc...) and he would play and sing for me.  He didn't play by music sheets...he just heard a song and could play it.  All by ear.  He was amazing...

And the guitar beginning of that song was one he would play over and over and over and ov...(you get the idea) for me.  Well, he would play and sing the whole song cause I loved it so much, but it was that first part that got me. 

Having an extremely nice and wonderfully attractive, very attentive and super talented guy sing and play whatever song you want?  Damn...I have no idea how I resisted that.  But I did.  I fought him tooth and nail.

He would practically beg me to go see him and his band play.  I always had an excuse.  Always.  He tried for years.

And now I have no idea where he is. 

I had forgotten/blocked out most of this.  All the "what could have beens"...and damn...they hit me so hard this morning. 

I am still reeling from it.  I keep starting the song over just to have those flashes of memories travel through my head. 

I wonder what could have been. 

However, I am jolly!

Despite the angsty cry for attention in my previous post, I did want to say Merry Christmas (well, I HOPE YOU HAD) to everyone!

I hope the weekend and the day was wonderful to all of you!

I got a book I had been wanting forever, so that completely made my day!  Plus, I got to move furniture all around my house.  Loving it so far! 

Plus, carrying furniture up and down stairs is good for the thighs!  :)

Again, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I also hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years!  Try not to make too many Resolutions...takes too long to break them all quickly.  Heh.

Asked

Not entirely sure how I am "feeling" (Aw, let's all discuss our feelings! Blech!) about being asked out on a date.

I come from a strange land of not having dated a whole lot - most of the relationships I was in from school until now were "long term" and they started out as friends first - ones I hung out with quite a bit.  So the progression was easy.

And my last experience with a random guy on a date went OH SO FREAKING WELL.  Granted, I totally gave the coinpurse out quick.  But hell...I freaking did it and shouldn't be judged on it. 

And while I look back on that date now, I realize that he was a c*cksucker.  Just in general.  His personality was kind of shitty, but my self esteem was even shittier. 

There is the saying "Don't judge me by my past cause I don't live there anymore."  And I may have been a fat and depressing woman then...and hell, I may still be fat.  But I am taking some control of my life...

Which brings me back to being asked out on a date...I know this guy from school.  I haven't seen him in about 12 years or so...(give or take) and I was never "into" him in school.  (Granted, I was the white girl who crushed on the lil' gangster boys in school...which he was not one of.) (Aw, you wear a shower cap to school?  HAWT!)  (Ugh!!) 

But when he asked me out over the computer (chalk that up as a first on Facebook for me), I waited about 12 hours to respond.  I couldn't think of a reason to say no.  He has ONE photo of himself on his page.  And I vaguely remember how he looked more than a decade ago. 

No, looks are NOT everything.  But I think some bit of attraction is a good thing. 

And I am really confused on something - I am taking control over my weight, my life, my attitude...is it a good thing to say yes to a date because I have no real reason to say no?  Or am I saying yes because I don't get asked out a lot? 

Basically, I don't know if I am saying yes because I have "no other options" or if I would have said no solely on the fact that I always have an excuse to keep others away (ie men). 

Hell if I know. 

But I did ponder it for half a day.  And I eventually wrote him back and said yes + "not sure how much we have in common, but sure." 

Two things that I am trying to gather from his FB page are if he hunts or if he is possibly racist in any sense of the word...he doesn't write much at all.  Mostly comments on other people's pages.  But there are two things on there that have me wondering if he is either of those things...

Cause if he is?  He could be the most awesome guy ever and I still wouldn't date him cause those are two HUGE red lights for me.  HUGE BLINDING red lights.

But I won't know unless I talk to him, right? 

Why can't the guy I have a wee crush on here at work suddenly realize the amount of awesome I have and ask me out?!  I would be giddy and out of my freaking mind happy!  I mean, yes, he could turn out to be a douche canoe.  But I would be willing to at least give it a shot!

Why can't I be better with this shit?!

I am better off with no set schedule and I should win the lottery.

After a glorious four days off from work, I am back.  Stuck behind my desk and staring at my monitor, answering phone calls, listening to people chatter.

I already miss the loveliness of going to bed at 3 or 4 am and waking up at 11:30.  Cause God Forbid I sleep until noon!  :)

Last night was hell trying to fall asleep.  I think I finally went under at about 12 or so.  So getting up at 5:15 this morning blew.chunks.

While I really and truly love my job, I just love being at home and doing what I want.  Who doesn't though, right? 

I haven't written much about my actual life of late - I just hadn't been able to sum it up appropriately.  But I suppose I should, if for no other reason than to document a few things for myself.  I can't explain EVERYTHING, but I still want to put a few things out there.

To start off with, I am hovering between 40 - 45 lbs lost so far on Weight Watchers.  And that is awesome!  Except - except I seem to be self sabotaging myself.  Literally.  And sadly.  I wanted to hit my 50 pounds lost by the end of November, and I won't make it now.  Unless I literally discount the weight of my brain, heart, liver, kidneys, etc.  So yeah. 

Thanksgiving wasn't AWFUL with my food intake.  But it sure as hell wasn't WW appropriate.  We went to the casino for the buffet.  I think I told myself it was under the guise that I didn't want leftovers - when truly I think it was because I wanted all the noms they had there.  It was really yummy!  Yes, I said yummy.  Shut it.

Then I went shopping at Walmart for the midnight sales.  Which meant I was hungry at like 3 am.  Oy.  (um, on a side note- I just ate a piece of burnt cheese off my breakfast sandwich - Holy Jesus that was good!!!)  Anywho - the rest of the weekend seemed to be spent sitting on my new laptop, eating garlic dip and two freaking tubes of Ritz crackers and watching movies.  Yes, it was my weekend and I am allowed to relax.  However, when you are trying to hit your weight loss goals - that is not a good idea.

I did manage to paint some (we are repainting the living room, dining room and kitchen area - a really pretty light sage green!!  Love it!).  And I painted a few accessory items as well.  But that was pretty much it.

I literally sat there on Pinterest (OMG I freaking love that site!!) looking up Fitness photos, inspiration photos, etc.  On my ass.  UGH UGH!

I have had to readjust my goals and say that I want to hit my 50 lb mark by Christmas.  But honestly, I should have been able to do it.  Should have.  I guess I can should have myself up and down, but I didn't do it.  Plain and simple.  And I finished off the weekend with Pizza Hut. 

I am disappointed in myself.  But apparently not enough to do something about it at right this second.  It's almost as if I am falling back into the "I will do it tomorrow" mindset.  I don't like it at all.  But I can't find my get up and go motivation.  (Where o where o has my motivation gone?!)

It seems all I want to do is sit around and dream and think about being thin and healthy.  And that isn't how I am going to get there at all.

Hmmm....

Senor and I are "friends" still.  I don't know how I do it sometimes.  My mind and my heart never seem to be on the same wave length.  Never see eye to eye.  Senor has a girlfriend.  She is pretty young - like 24 I think.  She has a son.  And I know she doesn't care for me, but who knows what lies Senor has said about me?  He refuses to even be friends with her on Facebook.  It says he is in a relationship, but he won't be friends with her.  I have told him how jacked up this is several times.  Like, you can sleep with the girl, but you won't be friends with her on the internet??  He told me it was "because what if I want to write something to you on there.  She doesn't need to see it."  Two things wrong with that statement - You NEVER write me on there.  And you shouldn't be writing me dirty anything WHEN YOU HAVE AN EFFING GIRLFRIEND!  And yet - I am around.  Waiting to see if he ever will say anything. 

He has an actual job now.  He works nights and apparently this has made his girlfriend not so happy cause she can't see him much.  Obviously, she hasn't had to (or chosen to I suppose) support his ass financially for years.  But whatever. 

Oh, and he finally has his "own" place.  Well, sort of.  His mom lives with him.  WHich I can't say much since mine lives with me.  It's a step in the right direction though for him.  He tells me I can come over whenever.  Um, yeah right.  Not going to happen. 

(Side note - just got a call from the Great Dane rescue that I used when a Dane I had needed lots of help.  He was deaf and had been abused.  They just called to see if I wanted him back.  Wow.  I loved that dog, but my house is SO full right now.)

And the thing is, I know that Senor would "be" with me again in a heartbeat.  He has already kissed me several times.  I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me as well.  And for as much as my heart still cares SO deeply for him, he does not know HOW to be faithful to someone.  He sees his girlfriend now as something to do.  Cause I don't think he knows how to function without someone there for him.  I made a comment to him last night asking if Lindsey and him spent some time together over the weekend.  He said no.  I asked if she cooked any noms for him for Turkey day.  He said no, she doesn't do that kind of stuff.  I was joking around and said "I need to talk to that girlfriend of yours about feeding you properly!"  And he replied "I don't need her to do anything for me.  I have my mom.  She does everything a girlfriend does."  I was like "Um, dude.  A mom and a girlfriend are two separate entities.  A girlfriend is not a substitute for a mother, and vice versa.  You do know that, right?"  But honestly, I think that is how he thinks.  That he just needs someone there to take care of him, and then a girlfriend or just any girl for that matter, to say he has one.  And maybe for the occassional round of sex. 

I just want...no DESIRE...a man that is self sufficient!  A man that can care for ME for once.  I like (love) being the caretaker, but sometimes it's nice to do it when you know you have the care in return.  It's just sad that some of my biggest "turn on's" with a guy are 1. Have a job 2. have a home (don't care what KIND, but to not live with his momma, his baby momma or his girlfriend) 3. Have friends 4. Introduce me to said friends 5. Tell me nice things about myself 6. Brush his teeth (shut up.  It's just a nice thing.  LOL) 

You have NO idea how insanely jealous I get when I hear about my friends whose husbands or boyfriends talk to their wife/girlfriends friends.  Like a friend of mine's husband was instant messaging with another friend.  My friend mentioned she was sick to husband.  He said "You better be careful!  I don't want my wife to get sick!"  Yes, THAT made me jealous.  Cause he wasn't being snotty about it like "don't get her sick cause she's a whiner", but because he just doesn't want his wife to be sick. 

I have lost my effing mind.

Sheesh.

The other thing going on in my life right now was/is the Foster parent licensing.  I had done it the first time in 2008.  But I "chicked out" so to speak.  This time I did everything - classes, huge amount of paper work, fingerprinting, background checks...I even bought a toddler bed, and have a crib, two strollers, a bath, toys, some clothes, etc. 

But I won't be a foster mom now.

I think at first it was because of two of my cats.  One is SUPER evil.  She tries to kill my mom daily.  She lashes out and draws blood constantly.  If you look at her wrong or tell her to move, she flips out.  She has always been like that, but in her old age it has worsened.  My other cat is like 19 years old or something.  He has liver failure and has decided that inappropriate urination is the way to be.  He will use the litterbox MOSt of the time, but when he doesn't, he releases a freaking lake onto the floor.  In freaking sane. 

And my two dogs - they are both about 7 years old and cranky when it comes to their personal space.  And they are not good around little ones.  They don't right out attack or anything, but their tempers are pretty short.  They don't bite hard, but they nip and growl.

And both of those are good reasons for me to not be a foster parent.

But what I also have realized is that I am not ready to be a mom yet.  I am 31, and I think I had it in my head that my mom had me when she was 31.  And that 31 is "getting up there" in age.  So I should be a mom.  Oh, and I also rationalized that it may be the only way I ever get a chance to be a mom.  Cause I won't meet a nice man who wants to have a family with me.  I am 31.  And I have apparently already decided that I am not worthy of a relationship or of being pregnant.

Hell, the reminders that I have gotten from "friends" have been about how I am getting to an age where it is basically expected of me to procreate. 

And someday, I do want to be a mom.  But not yet.  And the whole DSHS stuff scares me to be honest.  Truly scares me.

But what scares me more is being responsible for a child that has already faced hell.  And how quickly would I get bitchy due to lack of sleep and not give the child the right care?  No, I would never be mean obviously.  I am not that horrible!  But a child that has faced major trauma and has been ripped from their family - how would I deal?  And what if they go back to that family?  I STILL feel guilty when I adopted some feral kittens out to people.  That was over 7 years ago. 

I have so much guilt on my shoulders right now.  Guilt for being fat, guilt for not budgeting correctly or well enough, guilt for quitting roller derby, guilt for not being able to take Granite back, guilt for not being ready for a family, guilt for being 31 and not having a love life, guilt for not emailing DSHS back to tell them that I am not going to foster, guilt for my laziness, guilt for being a bad friend, guilt for being a bad fake auntie, guilt that my house isn't clean enough, guilt that...well, just guilt. 

It's an awful place to be in.  And I am not sure what to do with it all.  I keep trying to "dust it off", but it's sticking close to me. 

Oy.

On another note, I saw Breaking Dawn Part 1 on opening night at midnight!  It was SO awesome!  I cannot wait for part 2!!  I cannot believe how quickly I fell head over heels in love for Twilight and its characters.  I literally fell for it like 2 months ago or something.  And now I am obsessed.

And don't even get me STARTED on Robert Pattinson.  My GOD he is gorgeous.  I love his quirkiness.  Honest to God, he is just awesome!  I feel like a teenager again with how giddy looking at his photos and listening to his interviews make me!

And I adore Kristen Stewart.  I know a lot of people think she is like all brooding and dramatic and stuff - but I totally see it differently.  She is young and gets bombarded by papparazzi.  They obsess over everything her and/or Robert do.  She is awkward and can't finish a sentence to save her life.  And I adore it.  She is a really good actress -  Welcome to the Riley's was an awesome movie and I can't wait to see Snow White and the Huntsman. 

Well, I should probably get something productive accomplished this morning.  It feels kind of good to get some of this off my chest.  It doesn't feel lighter, but it's nice to sometimes get thoughts out and put them somewhere else for a bit.

Droopy McDoodleson

I sure as hell have no idea what my title means. 

I haven't posted in forever.  And it's not that I don't have anything to say - just knowing that my blog is not private has kept me from saying all I normally would.  Hell, if I knew that it was completely annonymous at least, I'd probably say more.  Not that I am keeping things from any of my friends who do read; just some things are easier to talk about when NO ONE really knows you. 

I am currently at T- MINUS 45 lbs.  I am truly proud of that.  I don't know that I exactly "earned" it, but I made better choices than I have in the past.  (hence me getting to X weight)  I have only exercised a few times though.  That's why I say I don't know that I totally "deserve" being proud of it. 

I do want to exercise.  Ok, so that's not totally the truth.  I Want to WANT to exercise.  I don't mind it so much once I am actually doing it.  It's the driving to the gym, changing and getting started that miffs me.  It's like I am SO put out that I have to change or something.  I don't know.  I guess that's just the world of excuses I am still in. 

I wonder what WILL happen when I finally get off my lazy ass?  Freaking A...

I finally got my "invite" to get on Pinterest. Oh.My.Holy.Jesus.On.A.Pogo.Stick....

I am in love.  LOVE!

I first got sucked into the humor category.  I was laughing like a rabid hyena at some of the stuff.  Truly, it's a very attractive laugh.  Seriously.

I think I pinned about two hundred things that first hour.  Obsessed.

OMG...then I found the women's apparel section.  Holy crap on a stick!  I had to create a couple of categories for my pinning.  The I want now and can do now section, the I should give it a try cause it's cute part, and then the I can't wear this yet because my ass and thighs are still full of too much fat but I will wear it someday damn it all to hell section.  I didn't actually call it those - but close enough. 

I realized I will be poor as hell once I get down to my desired bodily shape/size.  I shit you not - I about died when I saw some of the clothes and shoes.  Things I had forgotten about in this chubby/fat life of mine.  I mean, this picture makes me literally die.  DIE!  I melt!



I love the ruggedness of these boots with the soft lace at the top - Squeeee!!



I love me some rain boots - it's the feminine outfit with the rugged look of the boots...kind of kiddish in a way.



Le sigh...

Oh and this one?  She is just hot looking in this.  I am green.



Oh, and another thing I WILL wear when I am all hot and sexy?  (heh) 

  
Shorts!  But not just ANY shorts...The sexy little ones that can be worn with heels, boots, booties, rain boots...ZOMG!  I died.  Again.

Just some random stuff that I like -
  

I love the look of very feminine items with sneakers or boots.  Oh, and I lurve VERY high heels.  But I want to be sure I am not one of the wobblers on heels before I wear those.  ahem.

Anywho - I love Pinterest.  It has me thinking about some of the things I will wear when I gain back the body that is hiding in me!