Joie of Life...

Revolving Door

2012-02-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about music. Or specifically, certain songs. Just hearing the first few strums of a guitar, a beating of a drum or a couple of words....It can evoke happiness, sadness, excitement, the NEED to dance or shake your ass.

They can bring back a crap ton of memories that you had thought of only in passing...until you hear those notes.

THOSE notes bring back a flood of highs and lows. A flood of overwhelming emotions that make the bottom of your stomach feel like a mixture of excitable butterflies and ocean waves.

Well, at least that's how it is for me. And it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.

I had downloaded a bunch of songs last night onto my iPod. I was having fun going through and thinking about songs I listened to like ten years ago(ish) and seeing what I could remember about them, or what I was doing around that time, that made me like them so much.

I wasn't listening to many of the songs as I downloaded them, knowing that I would be rocking out to them in my car in the morning. (Which I totally did!)

So when the first few strums of the guitar came on in the song by Crazy Town called Revolving Door...holy crap. I got sucker punched.

Those chords that start playing were the first (and really the only) song I ever learned to play (and not well) on a guitar. I was taught by a guy I worked with...That doesn't sound like much...but it really was.

I hung out with this guy ALL the time. I adored him. ADORED. And honestly, looking back, I think he adored me too. He hated Senor with everything he had in him. He would always find ways to try and get me away from Senor...try and break me of that "spell" he felt I was under. Which, I probably was.

TJ (not real name, obv) and I would sit in his garage with all his guitar stuff (he had electric, acoustic, amps, etc...) and he would play and sing for me. He didn't play by music sheets...he just heard a song and could play it. All by ear. He was amazing...

And the guitar beginning of that song was one he would play over and over and over and ov...(you get the idea) for me. Well, he would play and sing the whole song cause I loved it so much, but it was that first part that got me.

Having an extremely nice and wonderfully attractive, very attentive and super talented guy sing and play whatever song you want? Damn...I have no idea how I resisted that. But I did. I fought him tooth and nail.

He would practically beg me to go see him and his band play. I always had an excuse. Always. He tried for years.

And now I have no idea where he is.

I had forgotten/blocked out most of this. All the "what could have beens"...and damn...they hit me so hard this morning.

I am still reeling from it. I keep starting the song over just to have those flashes of memories travel through my head.

I wonder what could have been.

However, I am jolly!

2011-12-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

Despite the angsty cry for attention in my previous post, I did want to say Merry Christmas (well, I HOPE YOU HAD) to everyone!

I hope the weekend and the day was wonderful to all of you!

I got a book I had been wanting forever, so that completely made my day! Plus, I got to move furniture all around my house. Loving it so far!

Plus, carrying furniture up and down stairs is good for the thighs! :)

Again, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I also hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years! Try not to make too many Resolutions...takes too long to break them all quickly. Heh.

Asked

2011-12-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

Not entirely sure how I am "feeling" (Aw, let's all discuss our feelings! Blech!) about being asked out on a date.

I come from a strange land of not having dated a whole lot - most of the relationships I was in from school until now were "long term" and they started out as friends first - ones I hung out with quite a bit. So the progression was easy.

And my last experience with a random guy on a date went OH SO FREAKING WELL. Granted, I totally gave the coinpurse out quick. But hell...I freaking did it and shouldn't be judged on it.

And while I look back on that date now, I realize that he was a c*cksucker. Just in general. His personality was kind of shitty, but my self esteem was even shittier.

There is the saying "Don't judge me by my past cause I don't live there anymore." And I may have been a fat and depressing woman then...and hell, I may still be fat. But I am taking some control of my life...

Which brings me back to being asked out on a date...I know this guy from school. I haven't seen him in about 12 years or so...(give or take) and I was never "into" him in school. (Granted, I was the white girl who crushed on the lil' gangster boys in school...which he was not one of.) (Aw, you wear a shower cap to school? HAWT!) (Ugh!!)

But when he asked me out over the computer (chalk that up as a first on Facebook for me), I waited about 12 hours to respond. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. He has ONE photo of himself on his page. And I vaguely remember how he looked more than a decade ago.

No, looks are NOT everything. But I think some bit of attraction is a good thing.

And I am really confused on something - I am taking control over my weight, my life, my attitude...is it a good thing to say yes to a date because I have no real reason to say no? Or am I saying yes because I don't get asked out a lot?

Basically, I don't know if I am saying yes because I have "no other options" or if I would have said no solely on the fact that I always have an excuse to keep others away (ie men).

Hell if I know.

But I did ponder it for half a day. And I eventually wrote him back and said yes + "not sure how much we have in common, but sure."

Two things that I am trying to gather from his FB page are if he hunts or if he is possibly racist in any sense of the word...he doesn't write much at all. Mostly comments on other people's pages. But there are two things on there that have me wondering if he is either of those things...

Cause if he is? He could be the most awesome guy ever and I still wouldn't date him cause those are two HUGE red lights for me. HUGE BLINDING red lights.

But I won't know unless I talk to him, right?

Why can't the guy I have a wee crush on here at work suddenly realize the amount of awesome I have and ask me out?! I would be giddy and out of my freaking mind happy! I mean, yes, he could turn out to be a douche canoe. But I would be willing to at least give it a shot!

Why can't I be better with this shit?!

I am better off with no set schedule and I should win the lottery.

2011-11-28T10:45:00.000-08:00

After a glorious four days off from work, I am back. Stuck behind my desk and staring at my monitor, answering phone calls, listening to people chatter.

I already miss the loveliness of going to bed at 3 or 4 am and waking up at 11:30. Cause God Forbid I sleep until noon! :)

Last night was hell trying to fall asleep. I think I finally went under at about 12 or so. So getting up at 5:15 this morning blew.chunks.

While I really and truly love my job, I just love being at home and doing what I want. Who doesn't though, right?

I haven't written much about my actual life of late - I just hadn't been able to sum it up appropriately. But I suppose I should, if for no other reason than to document a few things for myself. I can't explain EVERYTHING, but I still want to put a few things out there.

To start off with, I am hovering between 40 - 45 lbs lost so far on Weight Watchers. And that is awesome! Except - except I seem to be self sabotaging myself. Literally. And sadly. I wanted to hit my 50 pounds lost by the end of November, and I won't make it now. Unless I literally discount the weight of my brain, heart, liver, kidneys, etc. So yeah.

Thanksgiving wasn't AWFUL with my food intake. But it sure as hell wasn't WW appropriate. We went to the casino for the buffet. I think I told myself it was under the guise that I didn't want leftovers - when truly I think it was because I wanted all the noms they had there. It was really yummy! Yes, I said yummy. Shut it.

Then I went shopping at Walmart for the midnight sales. Which meant I was hungry at like 3 am. Oy. (um, on a side note- I just ate a piece of burnt cheese off my breakfast sandwich - Holy Jesus that was good!!!) Anywho - the rest of the weekend seemed to be spent sitting on my new laptop, eating garlic dip and two freaking tubes of Ritz crackers and watching movies. Yes, it was my weekend and I am allowed to relax. However, when you are trying to hit your weight loss goals - that is not a good idea.

I did manage to paint some (we are repainting the living room, dining room and kitchen area - a really pretty light sage green!! Love it!). And I painted a few accessory items as well. But that was pretty much it.

I literally sat there on Pinterest (OMG I freaking love that site!!) looking up Fitness photos, inspiration photos, etc. On my ass. UGH UGH!

I have had to readjust my goals and say that I want to hit my 50 lb mark by Christmas. But honestly, I should have been able to do it. Should have. I guess I can should have myself up and down, but I didn't do it. Plain and simple. And I finished off the weekend with Pizza Hut.

I am disappointed in myself. But apparently not enough to do something about it at right this second. It's almost as if I am falling back into the "I will do it tomorrow" mindset. I don't like it at all. But I can't find my get up and go motivation. (Where o where o has my motivation gone?!)

It seems all I want to do is sit around and dream and think about being thin and healthy. And that isn't how I am going to get there at all.

Hmmm....

Senor and I are "friends" still. I don't know how I do it sometimes. My mind and my heart never seem to be on the same wave length. Never see eye to eye. Senor has a girlfriend. She is pretty young - like 24 I think. She has a son. And I know she doesn't care for me, but who knows what lies Senor has said about me? He refuses to even be friends with her on Facebook. It says he is in a relationship, but he won't be friends with her. I have told him how jacked up this is several times. Like, you can sleep with the girl, but you won't be friends with her on the internet?? He told me it was "because what if I want to write something to you on there. She doesn't need to see it." Two things wrong with that statement - You NEVER write me on there. And you shouldn't be writing me dirty anything WHEN YOU HAVE AN EFFING GIRLFRIEND! And yet - I am around. Waiting to see if he ever will say anything.

He has an actual job now. He works nights and apparently this has made his girlfriend not so happy cause she can't see him much. Obviously, she hasn't had to (or chosen to I suppose) support his ass financially for years. But whatever.

Oh, and he finally has his "own" place. Well, sort of. His mom lives with him. WHich I can't say much since mine lives with me. It's a step in the right direction though for him. He tells me I can come over whenever. Um, yeah right. Not going to happen.

(Side note - just got a call from the Great Dane rescue that I used when a Dane I had needed lots of help. He was deaf and had been abused. They just called to see if I wanted him back. Wow. I loved that dog, but my house is SO full right now.)

And the thing is, I know that Senor would "be" with me again in a heartbeat. He has already kissed me several times. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me as well. And for as much as my heart still cares SO deeply for him, he does not know HOW to be faithful to someone. He sees his girlfriend now as something to do. Cause I don't think he knows how to function without someone there for him. I made a comment to him last night asking if Lindsey and him spent some time together over the weekend. He said no. I asked if she cooked any noms for him for Turkey day. He said no, she doesn't do that kind of stuff. I was joking around and said "I need to talk to that girlfriend of yours about feeding you properly!" And he replied "I don't need her to do anything for me. I have my mom. She does everything a girlfriend does." I was like "Um, dude. A mom and a girlfriend are two separate entities. A girlfriend is not a substitute for a mother, and vice versa. You do know that, right?" But honestly, I think that is how he thinks. That he just needs someone there to take care of him, and then a girlfriend or just any girl for that matter, to say he has one. And maybe for the occassional round of sex.

I just want...no DESIRE...a man that is self sufficient! A man that can care for ME for once. I like (love) being the caretaker, but sometimes it's nice to do it when you know you have the care in return. It's just sad that some of my biggest "turn on's" with a guy are 1. Have a job 2. have a home (don't care what KIND, but to not live with his momma, his baby momma or his girlfriend) 3. Have friends 4. Introduce me to said friends 5. Tell me nice things about myself 6. Brush his teeth (shut up. It's just a nice thing. LOL)

You have NO idea how insanely jealous I get when I hear about my friends whose husbands or boyfriends talk to their wife/girlfriends friends. Like a friend of mine's husband was instant messaging with another friend. My friend mentioned she was sick to husband. He said "You better be careful! I don't want my wife to get sick!" Yes, THAT made me jealous. Cause he wasn't being snotty about it like "don't get her sick cause she's a whiner", but because he just doesn't want his wife to be sick.

I have lost my effing mind.

Sheesh.

The other thing going on in my life right now was/is the Foster parent licensing. I had done it the first time in 2008. But I "chicked out" so to speak. This time I did everything - classes, huge amount of paper work, fingerprinting, background checks...I even bought a toddler bed, and have a crib, two strollers, a bath, toys, some clothes, etc.

But I won't be a foster mom now.

I think at first it was because of two of my cats. One is SUPER evil. She tries to kill my mom daily. She lashes out and draws blood constantly. If you look at her wrong or tell her to move, she flips out. She has always been like that, but in her old age it has worsened. My other cat is like 19 years old or something. He has liver failure and has decided that inappropriate urination is the way to be. He will use the litterbox MOSt of the time, but when he doesn't, he releases a freaking lake onto the floor. In freaking sane.

And my two dogs - they are both about 7 years old and cranky when it comes to their personal space. And they are not good around little ones. They don't right out attack or anything, but their tempers are pretty short. They don't bite hard, but they nip and growl.

And both of those are good reasons for me to not be a foster parent.

But what I also have realized is that I am not ready to be a mom yet. I am 31, and I think I had it in my head that my mom had me when she was 31. And that 31 is "getting up there" in age. So I should be a mom. Oh, and I also rationalized that it may be the only way I ever get a chance to be a mom. Cause I won't meet a nice man who wants to have a family with me. I am 31. And I have apparently already decided that I am not worthy of a relationship or of being pregnant.

Hell, the reminders that I have gotten from "friends" have been about how I am getting to an age where it is basically expected of me to procreate.

And someday, I do want to be a mom. But not yet. And the whole DSHS stuff scares me to be honest. Truly scares me.

But what scares me more is being responsible for a child that has already faced hell. And how quickly would I get bitchy due to lack of sleep and not give the child the right care? No, I would never be mean obviously. I am not that horrible! But a child that has faced major trauma and has been ripped from their family - how would I deal? And what if they go back to that family? I STILL feel guilty when I adopted some feral kittens out to people. That was over 7 years ago.

I have so much guilt on my shoulders right now. Guilt for being fat, guilt for not budgeting correctly or well enough, guilt for quitting roller derby, guilt for not being able to take Granite back, guilt for not being ready for a family, guilt for being 31 and not having a love life, guilt for not emailing DSHS back to tell them that I am not going to foster, guilt for my laziness, guilt for being a bad friend, guilt for being a bad fake auntie, guilt that my house isn't clean enough, guilt that...well, just guilt.

It's an awful place to be in. And I am not sure what to do with it all. I keep trying to "dust it off", but it's sticking close to me.

Oy.

On another note, I saw Breaking Dawn Part 1 on opening night at midnight! It was SO awesome! I cannot wait for part 2!! I cannot believe how quickly I fell head over heels in love for Twilight and its characters. I literally fell for it like 2 months ago or something. And now I am obsessed.

And don't even get me STARTED on Robert Pattinson. My GOD he is gorgeous. I love his quirkiness. Honest to God, he is just awesome! I feel like a teenager again with how giddy looking at his photos and listening to his interviews make me!

And I adore Kristen Stewart. I know a lot of people think she is like all brooding and dramatic and stuff - but I totally see it differently. She is young and gets bombarded by papparazzi. They obsess over everything her and/or Robert do. She is awkward and can't finish a sentence to save her life. And I adore it. She is a really good actress - Welcome to the Riley's was an awesome movie and I can't wait to see Snow White and the Huntsman.

Well, I should probably get something productive accomplished this morning. It feels kind of good to get some of this off my chest. It doesn't feel lighter, but it's nice to sometimes get thoughts out and put them somewhere else for a bit.

Droopy McDoodleson

2011-11-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

I sure as hell have no idea what my title means.

I haven't posted in forever. And it's not that I don't have anything to say - just knowing that my blog is not private has kept me from saying all I normally would. Hell, if I knew that it was completely annonymous at least, I'd probably say more. Not that I am keeping things from any of my friends who do read; just some things are easier to talk about when NO ONE really knows you.

I am currently at T- MINUS 45 lbs. I am truly proud of that. I don't know that I exactly "earned" it, but I made better choices than I have in the past. (hence me getting to X weight) I have only exercised a few times though. That's why I say I don't know that I totally "deserve" being proud of it.

I do want to exercise. Ok, so that's not totally the truth. I Want to WANT to exercise. I don't mind it so much once I am actually doing it. It's the driving to the gym, changing and getting started that miffs me. It's like I am SO put out that I have to change or something. I don't know. I guess that's just the world of excuses I am still in.

I wonder what WILL happen when I finally get off my lazy ass? Freaking A...

I finally got my "invite" to get on Pinterest. Oh.My.Holy.Jesus.On.A.Pogo.Stick....

I am in love. LOVE!

I first got sucked into the humor category. I was laughing like a rabid hyena at some of the stuff. Truly, it's a very attractive laugh. Seriously.

I think I pinned about two hundred things that first hour. Obsessed.

OMG...then I found the women's apparel section. Holy crap on a stick! I had to create a couple of categories for my pinning. The I want now and can do now section, the I should give it a try cause it's cute part, and then the I can't wear this yet because my ass and thighs are still full of too much fat but I will wear it someday damn it all to hell section. I didn't actually call it those - but close enough.

I realized I will be poor as hell once I get down to my desired bodily shape/size. I shit you not - I about died when I saw some of the clothes and shoes. Things I had forgotten about in this chubby/fat life of mine. I mean, this picture makes me literally die. DIE! I melt!

I love the ruggedness of these boots with the soft lace at the top - Squeeee!!

I love me some rain boots - it's the feminine outfit with the rugged look of the boots...kind of kiddish in a way.

Le sigh...

Oh and this one? She is just hot looking in this. I am green.

Oh, and another thing I WILL wear when I am all hot and sexy? (heh)

Shorts! But not just ANY shorts...The sexy little ones that can be worn with heels, boots, booties, rain boots...ZOMG! I died. Again.

Just some random stuff that I like -

I love the look of very feminine items with sneakers or boots. Oh, and I lurve VERY high heels. But I want to be sure I am not one of the wobblers on heels before I wear those. ahem.

Anywho - I love Pinterest. It has me thinking about some of the things I will wear when I gain back the body that is hiding in me!

FMM - Holidays!!

2011-09-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: What’s your favorite holiday? And why?

My favorite holiday actually starts with my birthday in October...People always seem to think I am just uber obsessed with my birthday, but it's more about the SEASON than it is about me...shocking, I know. :)

My birthday leads to Halloween, and I am slowly learning to decorate for the holiday! My front porch is usually the main thing to get decorated, and I don't go all out...but it's a lot of fun to make it pretty and eye catching!

I also LOVE Haunted Houses and scary movies! And the month of October is seriously awesome for good movies to scare the bejesus out of me! I hope to some-freaking-day get an awesome guy to go through haunted houses with...there is something just so sweet about having your honey "protect" you...unless he is a chicken. Then that ends up being a little awkward.

This leads into Thanksgiving and a four day weekend (amazeballs!) and DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!! No, I don't shop for anyone else. I shop for ME. Stuff that I normally wouldn't buy for myself and I can when it's on sale... And I do buy for my mom. But mostly it's stuff for my house. Deep discounts...YAY!

And obviously, Christmas. Every year my mom and I drive around different areas and we grade people's lights. A - F. The first lights I see almost always get an A - for effort! And for being my first special ones of the year!

We normally go to church on Christmas Eve night, open a few presents and then sleep in the next morning. At least until I can't stand the waiting anymore! I love giving and getting presents! This year, I hope to make things for my friends. Not sure what yet though...Just randomly buying stuff for them never gives me that Happy Feeling...I like putting thought into it for each person. Otherwise it's just not worth it.

And then New Years...Another late night that I used to party into...that now I am normally asleep! When did I get so old?! But it's still a time to start new and to hope for newer and better things for your life. A fresh start on everything.

I just love the fall and winter season! I hope this year I can either somehow manage to get to Disneyland again or to buy my vintage trailer I want so badly!

Today it is rainy and dreary and gray...oddly, I am LOVING IT! I love bundling up and wearing sweatshirts and sweats, cozy jackets and scarfs! oooh, and I get to wear my trapper hat!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYy!!!!!

Hello Belly Button! Meet Boobs!

2011-09-21T15:45:00.000-07:00

So I have managed to break my fat down 37.2 lbs so far! (Squeeeee!!!)

The Good - I am losing weight and becoming more comfortable in my skin again!

The Bad - All of my pants fit strangely. The ones that fit several weeks ago when I bought them are now ass saggers. The slacks I had have to be rolled up at the top and even then, it looks like I am swimming in an odd shaped skirt.

The Good - My underwear have stopped rolling themselves down as much in a poorly timed escape plan to run and hide from my muffin top.

The Bad - I had to buy all new bras because the old over the shoulder boulder holders were sliding up my back and my boobs were being pushed down to my belly button. Seriously not attractive. I won't even tell you about the disgusting feeling under there.

The Good - I get to post weight lost on my Facebook. This MAY OR MAY NOT BE a very lowly sort of way of reminding the Ex Senor that he will be missing out on some awesome Me time and to casually let his new girlfriend know (who I found out stalks my FB page as much as I stalk hers) that I am dope.

The Bad - See above. The fact I still care is disturbing.

The Good - Um, Victorias Secret will be my friend again someday!!

The Bad - Again, see above. Their drawers (underwear, duh) are more expensive than my JMS Walmart ones. I totally dig spending $8 on 10 pairs of drawers.

The Good - I might actually date! I might actually be able to hit on a guy and know full well that I am confidently awesome and that I have a chance! Right now, my evil brain immidiately likes to let me know that no guy is into fatties.

The Bad - The idea of having sex with someone else freaks me out. I have had my fair share of the sexis, but I did it as a fat girl in most recent times. To think that I might be able to enjoy being all na-ked again and not mind the lights as much? Um - I may get WAY too crazy and end up being a total whore!

The Good - See above. :)

I still have a ways to go. Quite a ways honestly. But having almost 40 lbs gone really puts a nice dent in it. And it makes it FEEL possible. When I originally started thinking about Weight Watchers, I kept thinking "How in the HELL am I going to EVER lose over a hundred lbs?!" Well, now I don't have to lose over a hundred. I have to lose just over 60 lbs. And with every pound I lose is another dent in that amount.

I am getting a bit tired of the meetings. But I will probably continue doing them through this session and maybe one more. I want to get a GOOD SOLID GRIP on my weight before I attempt it online only.

And I probably should start exercising. The three times I have gone for a walk aren't going to be enough to pull me through the whole thing.

I have several photos of me hanging up from my good ol' thin days. I look amazing. I look sexy even! And I had confidence that radiated from me.

That is the only taste that is truly important to me anymore. The taste of true self esteem, self worth and self confidence.

And the occassional Monster Taco from Jack N The Box. :)

Ghetto? Message me, Mmkay?

2011-08-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

So I am back on a dating website. At THE REQUEST OF MY FRIENDS, mind you. It didn't exactly work out pleasantly last time, but whatevs. Why the heck not.

HOWEVER, why is it that every.single.ghetto guy out there messages me? Or every "loser" ever known to man? I mean, nowhere on the site does it say "Please be unemployed, car-less, hugely saggy pants wearing, gun toting, sideways hat wearing, gold teeth bearing" to contact me.

But yet, that's what I am getting. And boy, let me tell you - they think I am just a smokin' hottie. Goodie.

I can't hit delete fast enough. And I am sorry, but if you are unemployed, right now might not be the best time to try and sweep a girl off her feet. Probably should focus on YOUR life right now. Not adding someone else to it.

And for crying out loud - straighten your hat and freaking pull up your pants! I am 30 years old and do NOT want to see your underwear. Buy pants that fit. You look like an asshole.

And gold teeth...um, no. This is not attractive to me. I do not want to see my reflection in your dentals.

Get a car. I do not have the desire to pick your ass up for a date. Been there, done that. It's lame.

And please God, why did you send me a semi nice guy who I find out is not only about a 2 hour drive from me, but also is unemployed and vehicle-less due to his anxiety about driving. Panic attacks. From driving.

Eesh...He is nice, but I have had the issue bound boyfriend, thanks. Someone that has their ish together is SUCH a turn on! I mean, you have a job? Swoon! You pay your rent/mortgage/car payment? I am glistening! You don't have your baby's mama causing drama? OMG Take Me, I'm Yours!

And holy crap, have ambition in life to be a decent human being? I am going to jump your bones!

You can tell I have SUPER high standards after Senor. Super high.

There is one guy on the site that is SUPER hot in his photos...but his name is eerily similar to mine. Yes, that sounds strange. But it is. And he is SUPER sexy (at least in photos) and I can't help but wonder if it's a fake one. I dunno. My friend says he looks 12, I say "Helloooo tiger!"...he is 32. Or something. But he's hot.

Hot I tell ya!

Anywho, wish me luck. This dating crap is shitaculous.

Fiddle Sticks

2011-08-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

PMS sucks. I never really had it prior to about six months ago. And now I am a raging lunatic from hell.

But don't worry - it's only for a couple of days.

But somehow I manage to raise hell and create chaos in just a matter of moments.

Yesterday I managed to sit in my corner of the world (my desk at work) and not talk to anyone unless I absolutely had to. I was irritated and angry. I admittedly was a bitch.

And I ended up on the phone with Senor. Who has a girlfriend. Who he tells he loves. And has considered moving in with. And has her photo in his truck. And he calls her his girlfriend.

And IT EFFING HURTS.

For over a decade, I was the back up. The homewrecker. The Boredom Buster. I was there for him - lovingly, financially and happily.

And yet, he never called me his girlfriend. We never hung out with friends. He never kept my photo anywhere. He only lived with me when his kids mom kicked him out.

So...still trying to process why I am so hurt.

When I was on the phone with him, I told him I didn't want to be a second class citizen. But I let myself be one for A FREAKING DECADE. And worse part is, I am still letting him hurt me.

No, I DON'T think he means to. He may be dumb. Not a clue.

I can text with him for eons and be "ok", but the moment I hear his voice I freak out. I don't WANT him to be in love BEFORE I get to be.

I want to be the happy one. It's MY turn. I want to put ME first.

But then my hormonal PMS takes over and I am just sobbing on the phone in my boss' office (who wasn't here) with Senor telling him that all I had wanted is what he is giving her.

But I am not even sure I want that. My cons with him FAR outweigh the pros. I have known that for a very long time.

And sadly, I think most of my emotions (other than the effing PMS) are not of love. But of lonliness, boredom, jealousy and LOSING.

I lost to some girl. I lost.

But I am not sure what I lost. Nothing really...I mean, I lost the ability to pretend that we were so great together? Doesn't seem like much of a loss, does it?

The stuff in my head goes something like -

I want a man with a good job - oh crap, Senor JUST got one on Tuesday. Ok, she won. She inspired him somehow to become a better man.

I want a man that loves me and thinks I am beautiful - he always told me he loved me. Crap - he tells her that too. And he is open about their relationship. Um, he told me that he will still cheat on the Girlfriend even if they got married. Wow.

In just those two thoughts, I know I am insane.

And I honest to GOD think it's not losing his love - it's losing in general. I HATE thinking that someone likes someone else better than me. It's dumb. I know.

I saw her photo and immidiately did the intense comparisons.

And the only thing that she has "over" me? She is smaller. (and possibly less insane - wait, she thinks Senor is her soulmate....well, she is only 24. I thought the same thing...poor girl.)

Senor might marry her. He might knock her up.

I lose...the responsibility of taking care of his dumb ass. Of worrying if he is in jail yet again (Sunday he was). Of wondering who he is sleeping with. Of KNOWING he is lying to me about the stupidest shit ever.

I should have known when I went head over heels for him that it was NOT a good match. My friend dated him (yes, mortal sin - live and learn...I totally broke friendship rule!!) and he was served with a restraining order.

That is the guy I fell for. That was my first impression of him.

But he gave me SO much attention. I remember the first time he kissed me. I saw fireworks and thought for sure he was the one. He was going to make all the sadness go away after losing the love of my life - in high school. (shut up - it had been less than a year)

So not only was he already in trouble with the law, but he was technically a rebound.

I was doomed from the start.

Classic case of "If I only knew then what I knew now..."

I hate when Senor make....wait - I hate when I ALLOW SENOR TO make me feel this way. It's SO STUPID.

Hmmm....I am going to cross my fingers, close my eyes, wish really hard and click my ruby slippers together - I want the perfect man!

FOUND HIM!

Alas - God made the most gorgeous man. Unfortunately, Hollywood currently has him. And I am nowhere near Hollywood.

I think I need to squeeze my eyes shut a little tighter! Thank GOD for DVR's and Sookie/Eric moments!

Jumpin Jesus On A Pogo Stick

2011-08-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to find the energy or desire to write very much it seems.

Well, that isn't totally true. I have the desire to put "pen to paper" so to speak, but the things I want to discuss - I can't. Well, I could but the people in my life would know what and who I am speaking of with each incidence and I can't do that to them.

Yesterday was not a normal good day for me. I had nothing really WRONG directly, but just a bunch of little things that really irritated me and got me really cranky. I felt like a 4 year old that needed a naptime but refused - and got crankier with each passing minute.

And finally when I did go to sleep, I was literally SO tired that I couldn't sleep. I dislike that quite a bit. And then the smoke alarm chirping started. And we couldn't reach it. I think talking about that part will get me all jacked up angry again - so I will leave it at that. Chirp chirp, you little shit. Grr.

It is looking like I start my foster/adoption/ PRIDE classes (again) on Thursday evening. I had already taken a Pride class about two years ago, but since I didn't persue it any farther, it expired. And I am in a different county now, so I am doing it again.

I am just praying that a current incident in my family doesn't keep me from being able to be a foster mom. That will break my heart. And I am not sure how to go about getting a straight answer to make sure I don't "waste" a lot of time investing in this only to find out they won't license me. UGH...I wish I had a crystal ball that at least gave me an IDEA of what the future held. Don't need exacts or specifics - just an idea. I suppose that would be a pretty high demand item though.

Over the weekend, I painted a small table and chairs set - the table is Pistachio Ice Cream (a light pale green) and the chairs are a turquoise color. Of COURSE I didn't take photos of the before OR after (yet)...Cause I am awesome like that. I polyurethaned them last night, so they should be good to go this evening. I still have a computer desk and a fish tank hutch to paint...should be easy....riiiiiiiight!

On Friday evening, I saw a photo of someone I really had mixed emotions about ever seeing...(that probably makes NO sense) and it has me back and forth emotionally. Lots of comparisons, thoughts, highs and lows. But I think I handled it quite a bit better than I had expected I would.

It still makes me sad though...hmmm....maybe the word is more irked though. But this too shall pass, right?

Speaking of - I am down roughly 32-33 lbs...yay! Well, that's where I was last week, so we'll see how tomorrow goes for weigh in. Tuesdays are always a tough day!! Being hungry and not wanting to eat anything near weigh in time makes your stomach automatically more hungry. Murphy's Law I suppose. An itch will only happen when you can't scratch it.

I was able to buy a size smaller of jeans finally - although it did piss me off a tinge that after a freaking 30+ pound weight loss, I have only budged a size. One size.

However, I suppose overall, the size of my jeans don't really matter. I am looking less like a stuffed ham hock I think. No more tied off baked honey ham is in my near future I think.

Although, I have made a few of my own rules - the scrapings off the bottom of a cake sheet don't count. At all. And cookies that no one else knows you ate don't count. At all.

Weird how that happens, no?

Step, Step, Wobble, Shake, Step....

2011-07-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

I can't say I like being told what to do by "the Man"...whoever the hell that man is. I just don't like being told what to do. I am an only child. STFU.

Anywho, I just read this when I was looking at some of the photos. Recently in the UK, The Trade Union Congress, that represents 7 millions workers, tried to ban high heels. High heels were deemed inappropriate for the work place. According to the TUC, heels higher than 2.5 cm (1 inch) are degrading to women and can cause health problems. This proposition caused an uproar because British, Scottish and Irish women feel that wearing stylettos in the work place contribute in enhancing self-esteem....(from anne-mariewithadash.blogspot.com)

The reason I was thinking of high heels, stilettos, etc was because I have started noticing women more when they wear them.

Some women look statuesque, beautiful...comfortable even!

Others? Um....Not so much.... But that was just awkward. (Here are a few more...) (It honestly just makes me smile when pretty women who are always going to be hotter than me, richer than me, more successful than me (but whose counting) fall down. I am shallow. So sue me.)

Anyways, I have been checking out women in their heels a lot lately. When I was in my few years of "smaller body"ness, I enjoyed heels. They are fun! Granted, I preferred sitting while wearing them than walking in them. And I almost always had a pair of flats with me to walk to and from the building in the parking lot. (It's like a five mile walk, ya'll!!)

With the warm (ish) weather, women are wearing a lot of heels with capris, skirts, etc. Which gives a good view of their feet in the heels. Which isn't necessarily a good thing.

Many, MANY women have a weird walk when they are in heels. Either their feet look like they are about to roll on their ankles or they can't straighten their legs out. Like, they are perpetually ready to sit down, but they aren't totally sure.

A woman I was walking behind yesterday on the escalators had on a pair of khaki capris and black sling back 3" ish heels. Cute, no? While she was standing there a few steps in front of me going up, I realized her legs were a bit wobbly. She is a skinny little thing, so it's not like her weight was crushing her. So when she got off the escalator, I watched her walk - it literally went "step, wobble, step, wobble, step..." and so on.

One thing that always scares me is when I see a BBW wearing some like 4" skinny heels. I have NO problem with anyone of any size wearing some heels. But I just think that MAYBE take into consideration the size of your calf, the width of your feet and the size of the heel (height and "girth") If the poor heel looks like it is going to crush under you, probably not good.

Just like when a SUPER skinny chick wears a pair of chunky platformed heels. It makes it look like her ankles are going to snap.

And for all that is holy and good...can women PLEASE maybe scrub their heels a little? Maybe throw on some lotion? It is beyond disgusting to see the callouses flaking away in their strappy heels.

Oh, and to the lady at Target that was wearing some platform heels that were probably at least 5" and UBER sparkly? You were at Target. Buying toilet paper and detergent. The rest of your outfit was normal afternoon attire. White t-shirt and jeans. The heels? Purple sparkles that I could literally see fleck off in the sunlight. Wow.

I tried taking a stealthy photo with my phone, but it was too shaky. Meh.

I really had no point to this post. I just really wanted to talk about women in their high heels and how they sometimes look awesome and sometimes make me listen carefully for the creaking sound coming from the poor heel of the shoe as it tries with all its might to keep going.

I am bored. Damn it.

Cat Pee + Socket = No coffee

2011-07-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have a very, very evil pussy. (Cat, people).

This morning, I got ready for work and came upstairs to the lovely smell of my waiting coffee that I set to brew...wait...I don't smell it. WTF?

I walk over to my coffee pot in my (hold please, I am eating a breakfast muffin....) (Ok, I am back) kitchen. The clock is off on it. As is my Febreze plug in.

So I reach over and wiggle it. It "sparks" on and then right back down.

And my hand is wet.

O.M.G.

My cat had backed up to the plug and peed IN it. She literally shorted out my coffee pot. And disgusted me.

I went over and reset the plugs and cleaned up the nastiness with some bleach spray (over everything). Dried everything off.

I got ONE of the plugs to work.

That damned cat is evil. She pees on bills (I dislike bills. I dislike having to send in payment stubs with urine stench on them even more) and she pees on paper towels. Random.

She is an extremely high stress cat, lots of anxiety and freaks out over even hearing her name said too loud.

And when she gets angry, she starts to growl and licks and pulls out the fur on the bottom of her back feet.

She has been on Prozac. It made her loopy.

I have kept her locked in a large bathroom with all of her needs. She loved it. But I needed the bathroom back.

She gets mad when you touch her unless it's initiated by her...but even then, she will freak out at a drop of a hat. Accidentally bump her while on the computer? She will take your ass down.

I have scars on my wrists and hands from her getting angry at me when I am on the computer. She insists on sitting next to me and licking her butt.

That is nasty. Do it when I am not sitting here. Or go somewhere.

No no...she likes to do it with me sitting there and as soon as she starts, she starts growling while she does it. Like her ass chewing makes her angry.

I love the cat. I have had her since she was an itty bitty and she is 12 now.

However, when she does pass at the ripe old age of whatever, I will not have to clean up her nastiness anymore. I won't have to worry about leaving my cell phone on the desk.

When Satan hears her feet hit the floor in the
morning, he says Oh Shit, she's up....

Lord help me not strangle her before her time comes.

Hundred Acre Woods Needs a Damned Good Therapist

2011-07-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sha-Anal and I were just emailing when our conversation went to the peril that is the Hundred Acre Woods (Winnie The Pooh, douchers. Duh)

Anywho, this is the conclusion. It's important.

*Winnie the Pooh-food addiction

*Rabbit-ocd/anxiety disorder

*Tigger-adhd/possible stimulant addiction

*Piglet-recluse/hypochondriac/anxiety

*Eeyore-major depressive disorder with possible inclination of self harm/mutilation

*Christopher Robin may need gender reassignment surgery/ help with his love of furries
*Kanga and Roo - Kanga leaves her son Roo while she goes and "cleans" (me thinks prostitution) while Roo galavants with unmedicated neighbors with extreme issues.
*Owl...well, best we can tell is that he is their "therapist". Not doing too well, me thinks.

Last night I watched a few DVR'd shows that I had. One was the Mob Wives Reunion. Wow...I have no idea what to say. I had no idea that "fuck" could be used in so many different ways. I mean, it was a noun, verb, adjective...And it could be said out of anger, love, understanding, distress....It was eye opening. (And if Wendy Williams pronounced Drita's name as Driter one more time, I was going to fly to her studio and shank her.)

And then I watched Christopher Titus' Neverlution special he had on Comedy Central. I learned that our nation doesn't need Prozac, it needs GetOffYourAssAdone....And that giving a super good finger flip to the back of a child's ear doesn't leave prints. Oh, and depending on the age, you can thunk a child good on the head in the appropriate place and it's like a reset button.

Oh, and that True Life - I am a Sugar Baby made me nauseated. I never did find out if that chick slept with the old guy. I fell asleep. But I just kept thinking "she ain't THAT pretty. Old dude needs love too."

Also, this morning I heard that Hugh Heffner didn't know that his now ex wife, Crystal Harris, had left him. Apparently they were watching a movie and she got up to go to the bathroom or something. He realized at the end of the movie that she never returned. He either is that pimpin' or it's Alzheimers/Dementia. (Hell, I guess if we can walk into a room and forget what we were doing in there...who knows...)

I forgot to have dinner last night or breakfast this morning. Well, I had coffee.

But honestly, I never thought I would be someone who forgot to eat. Ever. I mean, it's not like I am on the verge of wasting away if I miss a meal...However, it's very unlike me. I pride myself on my remembering to eat even when under duress. (is that a word? I am lazy.) I am going to go to lunch in a few minutes...I won't forget to eat.

Oh, and I highly recommend going on Craigslist to the Casual Encounters pages. I don't think "entertaining" could quite sum up the visual you will walk away with. I had no idea that "Hot Cu.m Slu.t" was the new rage at having a random woman come over and give you a B.J and then leave. I mean, I always thought that flirting, talking and getting to know each other was more likely to get you a B.J. But apparently it's just as awesome to call women Ho.t Cu.m Slut.s or Sit On My Hot Rod. I am SO behind on the times.

Now RUN and think about everything I have said. RUN...RUN...ok, slow down. Ok, ok...stop. STOP!

My Head Is Full, My Heart Feels Empty...

2011-07-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have had SO much going on lately.

I have been walking a thin line of pretending everything is ok while I am at work, and then feeling like I am collapsing under the weight of it all on the other side.

I even got to the point where I ended up talking to Senor's ex / baby mama on the phone just so I could have a full blown panic attack with someone telling me it will be ok.

I have NO idea how I ended up on the phone with her...I guess I just wanted someone to not know me well enough to say anything "helpful". I just wanted to have the break down, the pity, the ALL ABOUT ME moment...and then get off the phone. Be done and move on.

I know that there are worse things in the world and in other people's lives than what I am going through...I am thankful that I am not losing a loved one to cancer or some horrific accident. I am overall healthy (29 ish pounds gone so far!!). There are many worse things.

But this is MY life. And when the people I love the most in the world are facing something very difficult and emotionally taxing...even humiliating - I am so sad.

And financially, this persons choices are rocking me back and forth pretty hard. Trying to decide what bills are most important to pay (mortgage, power, car, cell...?) so that I can still pay out to what is owed due to this persons mistake is extremely stressful.

However, as many people who have told me that THIS mistake is not my problem - they obviously don't understand the relationship or my heart.

Or the fact that it just wouldn't be right to walk away. I emotionally couldn't do it. And I don't want to.

I don't want to walk away from someone when they truly need me the most.

But damn it all, if they screw up like THIS again? Satan himself will be scared shitless of me!

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. Off you go!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

2011-07-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am lazy. This is no secret.

I have been reading blogs, but somehow just didn't get around to updating my own.

And unfortunately, I don't know if I have anything to say. At least, nothing of interest to anyone else.

Hmmm....Let's see. Well, for starters I just collected my 29th bead! That is 29 beads for the 29.4 lbs I have lost so far! I am pretty DAMNED happy about it! I still have plenty to lose, and I know that the lower I get, the less easy the pounds fall off.

I haven't even exercised yet. Well, like twice.

It's kind of depressing that by sheer food changes alone, I have lost almost 30 lbs. What I was doing to my body previous to Weight Watchers is disgusting. Somehow I lost sight of my life and started eating my future. Literally.

I know I have a ways to go before I reach my goal weight (or an ideal weight), but someday I hope to share my full weight journey. From start to...well, not finish. Because staying healthy will be a lifetime. And that's ok! I am worth it!!

The world of potential foster care/ adopt momma has come around again. A friend of mine is fostering a little baby boy (the sibling to her two adopted children) and listening to the drama with the bio mom, the back and forth with the state system, and then looking at this little guy - makes me want to advocate for them as well.  I want to stand in the corner of the foster child and be on their side. To speak the words and be strong when they can't.

No, I don't want to "save" anyone. I don't want to make myself feel "good" about helping some "poor child". I know my life will be turned upside down, I may pull out all of my hair, have my heart broken and spend a lot of sleepless nights wondering why the hell I wanted to do it.

But I have to try.

Being a pregnant / birth mom is not important to me. I think I always thought it was because that's what I thought I "should" do.  But being a mom is what's important to me. I don't care whose uterus they come out of.

The PRIDE class starts in mid August. I have A LOT to do before I would ever have the license to be an official foster mom. This isn't something that is going to happen right away.

I guess it's similar to if I was in the process of "trying" to get pregnant and then the 9 months after. Pretty sure it's probably going to be at least six months to a year before this is complete.

No clue as to what is in store for me.

I used to blame the dryer...

2011-06-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Whenever I would pull a shirt or jeans out of the dryer and they would be too tight, I always blamed the dryer. It couldn't possibly be me.

I am curvy. Or chubby. Or thick. But certainly not fat.

Heh.

Seriously, that was the crock of shitake mushrooms I told myself.

I am having a bit of the opposite problem now though. I have gone down one size in jeans (after realizing that my favorite jeans were not only falling off of me and I had to roll them up at the waist, but that I had to patch the crotch because they were worn through...not a good look for work.) and I am not complaining about that.

My problem is now the jeans that are a size smaller come out of the dryer...and they fit pretty well. I'd venture to say they fit perfect. But once they cool off and I get to work, my jeans have gotten a bit baggy.

These are the same jeans that I had to wear a "baggy" shirt with to cover the Costco muffin top that they gave me the entire day.

So tight that it actually hurt.

And now the butt bags out a bit. (that is fun to say)

My problem is that I automatically tell myself in my head repeatedly "the jeans are just stretched out. It's now you losing weight. Your weight loss is insignificant. Get a cupcake, fatcakes."

I don't like the little creeper voice that tells me this stuff.

It seems that the little twatwaffle (thank you Noa and Bloggess for some wonderful descriptive words!!) in my head is so warped! When I was fat, it convinced me that I wasn't. Now that I am losing weight (slow and steady she goes), it is telling me that I will fail.

I want to stab this f*cktard voice in my head, but you can see how this might be counterproductive.

I am going to try doing some "body positive affirmations" and "kind self body talk" (it sounds like something from a woman's masturbation group...ala Fried Green Tomatoes pre Tawanda).

Anywho, I will report back on my fat, Twatwaffle F*cktard and my dryer.

Not too Shabby

2011-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

In the about 9 or so...or is it ten?...weeks on Weight Watchers, I am down 21 lbs! (I will wait a moment while you applaud me...)

(Oh...that's so sweet! A standing ovation!)

(You are all so generous....Please...please....)

(OK SHUT UP! IT'S MY TURN TO TALK!)

I am VERY happy to have lost that much, but I won't lie...I wish it were more. But I guess more specifically, I wish I had never let it get to the point it's at to begin with.

I wish that I had realized what I was doing to my body and nipped it in the bud. I know without a doubt in my head, that my life would be different if I had kept my body in better shape.

My social life, love life and level of activity, and maybe even basic decision making would have been different if I had not put on all of this weight. Even the most mundane tasks in my life and how I speak to people would have been different. The interactions I have with friends, family and even strangers would have differed. The vacations I took and didn't take would have been different.

My clothes, my shoes, my bra and underwear choices, my hair and the jewelery I wear would have been different.

And I think that only someone who has dealt with a huge weight gain can understand that. I would not have had an entire decade almost of choices based soley on my size, my confidence and my inability to do some basic things comfortably.

I am 30 years old and I have regrets. And that is SO hard to say. I never want to look back on my life and regret not doing something. Sometimes that is almost worse than having actually done something. At least then, you tried.

And with my weight, I didn't try. I admire women and their bodies. I love so much about a woman's curves, how we walk, how we interact, how we flirt...and I really missed out on that. And it was my own fault.

Having a bit of a teenage type crush on a guy takes a new meaning when you are fat...you keep it more to yourself because you already KNOW in your mind, your heart, your SOUL that he will never like you as you are. And then you beat yourself up for looking like you do.

I am tired of being like that. I want to look at a guy and think "I am SO flirting with him", and if he doesn't like me - I won't beat myself up and put myself down...I will think more "it's his loss!" I used to have that.

Apparently I ate that too.

But I am done. I have changed my eating habits and what I eat. I make choices based on what feels good now. I am not perfect with Weight Watchers. I still eat some "bad" stuff. But I do it differently now - I do it in moderation.

Some days I don't even track my points (weekends usually) because I don't "need" to. I know point values for the basic foods I eat daily and I stay within certain parameters.

I want my life to be full...not full of regrets. I want to have energy again and I want to be excited about clothes again. And I want to wear heels again - I don't now because all I picture is a fat girl on little heels and the little heels screaming in agony. And then breaking.

I want to put on a t-shirt and jeans and still feel confidant and not just feel like a slob.

And I want to wear dresses and skirts again! I dislike my legs so much right now that I refuse to wear them.

But damn it...I will. Hell, I will probably have TOO much confidence and end up being a high end prostitute.

But hey...as long as it's high end, right?

Texting killed a good man

2011-05-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't been great at posting lately.

This past Saturday was the very first funeral I have ever been to. It was for a friend that was only 26 years old. He was hit while riding his motorcycle home from work on a Thursday. The girl was 16 and text messaging. She is fine.

It was...I don't know. I am "glad" I went, but at the same time, I am trying desperately to keep the last image I have of him while he was full of life...not him laying in a casket. (Open casket)

It was touching to see his friends and family pack the room at the funeral place. Some folks were left standing.

I barely kept myself from doing the ugly cry...the snort and sob kind. Thankfully, my mom had given me a hankerchief before I left.

All I could do was just stare at his body. From a distance (third pew back), it looked ALMOST as if he would just roll over and yell SURPRISE - JUST JOKING! And as mad as I would have been, it would have been a better alternative to him not being around for his wife and children.

I am keeping his little "book" thing in my purse that they had at the funeral as a reminder - a reminder of his smile, his joy, his annoyingly funny personality, his pretty black hair, his children, his wife, the fact that we should ALL have life insurance...and a reminder that life TRULY is short. And sometimes it's even shorter because someone makes a mistake and sends a text message.

I am guilty of texting while driving myself. I even did it right when I left the funeral. But I take pause now. I cannot imagine ever hurting someone, or GOD FORBID killing someone because I couldn't wait to send a message.

This 16 year old girls life is changed. I am going under the assumption that she was a normal 16 year old girl, a good heart, etc. That she was just sending a friend a text about some boy or something.

My friend's wife and dad are apparently "going after" the girl for everything "she has"...they want revenge. Obviously, it's after everything the PARENTS have though.

And while I don't agree with going after her, I think I can understand it. They are hurt. Hurt beyond repair. But in their minds, they feel that making her suffer will help them.

I would prefer to see her have to do public speaking to kids and teens about the effects of texting and driving. While talking about my friend, his children and his family. With photos.

J.A.R is greatly missed. His children are 12, 8 and 5. Him and his wife finally married after 10 years of dating LAST year.

If you are guilty of sending a message on your phone, just like I am, while driving, please think of how quickly a life can be taken. Yes, this girl was 16, but just because we think we are "older and better drivers", anything can happen.

Why are you putting sticks of butter under your shirt?

2011-05-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

I do it because I listen to my friends, DUH!

I have lost a total of 17.2 lbs so far! Whoo Hoo!

And during some up and down, Kiki reminded me that I should try to stick that many sticks of butter up my shirt and try to hide it...because that was what I was trying to hide daily under my clothes.

So I am happy to have something to compare to. However, I don't recommend ACTUALLY going to the store and shoving them in your clothes.

Even doing it at home with random things that you have weighed out, isn't a great idea when others are home.

And as much as I would like to believe that my weight was so evenly distributed, that I could hide the extra weight...um, no.

Same goes for photos of me...if you could see a roll in one of my pictures, or my extra fat arms or extra chinny, chin, chin...I wouldn't show it to anyone. Cause I looked fat.

Looked. Fat.

Um, I am fat. And it's not going to be a shocker or eye opening experience for anyone who has ever seen me. They are in the know.

I don't wear miraculous clothing to work that makes me look like a size 8. So I have no idea why I don't like showing my "fat" photos.

This Friday I am going to see Jennifer Lancaster at a book signing...THAT IS FREAKING RAD! Kiki and I are going to make a day of it...shopping, eating, fantasizing about Jennifer being our BFF. The norm.

Hopefully this time I won't walk up to her to get my book signed and gush to her "I heart you so much! I pretend you are my best friend!" I am going to strive for less creepy stalker girl this time.

Although, she did respond by saying that she hears that a lot and she wishes she could have all of us as BFF's, or something like that. Honestly, she could have said "WTF you creep! Why are you licking your lips and stroking my finger! SECURITY!!"

But I hear what I want to hear.

I have no idea how I go into situations literally PLANNING to be demure, quiet, respectful, considerate, not tell dumb ass jokes...and yet, I always walk away from things going "DRRRRRR". And sometimes if I get too worked up after planning to be quiet and sophisticated, I tend to do a little spittling when I laugh.

I wonder why I am still single?

The last time Kiki and I went to see Jennifer do a book signing, she labeled me as scary. And that while I was threatening the life of the teenage Swedish Fish throwing imbecile, she may have peed a little.

I dislike dumbasses. Especially when they are ruining my Lancaster high/buzz I had going on.

I definitely am going to try and remember to wear pearls this time. And I will point it out to Jennifer.

And then I will somehow inadvertantly cross the line into creepy stalker girl again.

I walk a very fine line between normalcy and prison inmate.

Doogie can teach me how to Dougie

2011-05-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

AWESOMENESS...

My blog traffic?! Yeah, I am now the most awesome person alive! I have a bunch of people that found me because they googled Neil Patrick Harris!

I actually giggled at this.

The second highest is "Dirty coin purse".

Truly, kind of rad.

On another note - I lost another 4.2 lbs! So I have lost a total of 15.8 lbs!! I am sure if I could have belched right before weigh in, I could have gotten to 16. But alas, I didn't have it in me.

But I am so happy! I wish I could double that like...right now!...but I will take what I have. And I will be thrilled about it!

So Schmurly Durly Kiki has me doing something I have not totally been able to full force commit to yet...a freaking 12k walk/run!

Dudes, that is like almost 7.5 miles or something like that. And it's NOT on just plain flat ground. It's up and down hills!

I literally had to take a few minutes after I wrote that to catch my breath. Even THINKING about it makes me huff and puff!

If I decide not to do the 12k, I will still do the 5k they have going as well. That is still about 3.2 miles, so I would still feel good about myself.

The 12k sounds intimidating though! And I will definitely need a new pair of shoes. (good excuse to shop, no?)

Kiki has been practice walking to prep for it, but I haven't done as well. I have gone on a few small walks with my dogs.

And that SOUNDS great. However, by the last few hills we have to go up, I am having to persuade my dogs to keep walking by saying "Do you wanna cookie?" "Cookie?!" And then they go into the house and act like I had them doing a full speed marathon in the Sahara desert.

They may be more out of shape than I am.

Although, I did have to kind of persuade myself to keep going by telling myself I got ice cream when I got home.

Hey, whatever works, right?! And the ice cream was SO worth it.

Maybe instead of taking water with me on the 12k, I can take ice cream sandwiches?

I picture myself crossing the finish line and instead of pouring cool water over my head, I will smash the ice cream all over my face.

And then eat it. Cause it's a waste otherwise.

And ice cream wasting is blasphemy, no?

I have reached a point for the day where I am done working...

2011-05-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

Actually, I probably reached that point last night.

I mean, it IS Friday. Friday's should be for goofing off. Playing on the internet at work. Going to the restroom and actually using the last stall to hang out for some quiet time and read FML on my phone.

It should be for finding a way to flirt with the cute guy a few desks over.

For finding people with snacks.

For cleaning up my desk and reorganizing from the dumping of extra work I have from a co-worker. (DO NOT EVER PUT A PILE OF WORK ON MY DESK IF IT IS NOT IN FOLDERS! Loose papers make me senile. HOLY CRAP I was near an anxiety attack!!)

Friday's are for avoiding work at all costs, but not LOOKING like you are avoiding it. I always manage to get things READY for different things I am working on. I make folders, organize my stuff. Request needed information from people. (ie professional procrastination)

Fridays are my way of easing into the weekend.

Are you STILL reading? Wow...you have some patience. Hm. For those of you that made it this far...you are awesome.

Double You Tee Eff

2011-05-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

I have been eating this:

But the two pound weight gain makes me feel like this:

I am sad. I really had hoped for that much OFF...not ON.

The old part of me wants to go home and gorge on french fries from McDonalds.

The new me though? The one that has still lost 11 pounds? She wants to start going for more walks and using the stairs more often.

I think I like this new person much better.

But next week had best be awesome. Or I will start exercising by randomly chasing people down and shanking them in their skinny thighs.

And possibly mistaking their thighs for chicken wings. :)

I Wanna Touch It

2011-05-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have so many little things going on in my head. I am not feeling settled lately.

So I am going to see how many things I can get off my chest. So I guess I will touch on a few different topics...

Today is another weigh in day. I don't have super high hopes today though. Aunt Flo is visiting this week, and she has made me eat everything that contains salt. I possibly used four cups of it last night on my dinner. Which I normally never do.

I am happy I am losing weight, but I just wish it was even faster. I wish it was like 10 lbs a week and then I could be done. Then I could look amazing and feel amazing.

I am proud of what I have accomplished, but I want to be the person NOW that I will hopefully be in a year. I wonder what I will look and feel like...will I have enough inner confidence to actually date? Holy crap, I can't even imagine.

Which leads me to my "love" life. I don't have one. What I have is a history with someone. A very long history. And agreeing to "just be friends" has been both easy and difficult. Easy because I have decided that I don't want to hang out with this person right now. All I can think about is the broad he is with and I start wondering if she is better, prettier, more successful, nicer, cuter, better dresser, better hair...you get the point. I do a lot of comparing.

And I shouldn't. (For one because I was already told she isn't pretty...hehe) I shouldn't compare myself to another woman at all. AND most importantly, I should not care because he is not the man that I could spend the rest of my life with. I mean, if suddenly his outlook on life changed and he stopped being a douchebag for more than a day, we might have a chance. But again, it's been 11 years. He is good at douchery.

I do love him. But the way I love him has changed. And that's for the best.

Hmmm...my mom has some stuff going on next week. Stuff that I do not openly discuss, but that has created a bit of a trying time for us. Decisions were made that unfortunately did not end up well. Consequences are being passed out. And I am scared. And all I can do is pray.

I need to get my financial ass in order. I make enough money to cover all of my set expenses/bills, and yet because I slipped one month quite awhile ago, I have not been able to stay on track. And it pisses me off. It's not a "good" thing when I become proud of myself for paying a bill. Because, you know...they are supposed to be paid. I just need one month to fall back into place. But I will need to figure out how to do that first. And I haven't.

I need either Suze Orman or Clark Howard to come whip my ass. I actually want someone to tell me how to get back on track. I don't want to read a book on how to do it. I have done that. I just want someone to smack me around a bit, tell me what's what and arrange things, take away things, etc, for me.

The whole Bin Laden thing is bugging me. Don't get me wrong. I am glad the man is no longer a threat. But I can't say that his following is not a threat. Bin Laden was a symbol for Al Quaeda, but he wasn't the only driving force. I worry about the retaliation. I worry that the "franchises" that he inspired don't all become active at once. He was a bad man. An awful horrible man. But I am still worried.

And the fact that there was cheering in the street and songs being sung, etc...well, looking at the photos and videos of it made me realize we looked JUST like the "bad people" did when they were cheering and singing when 9/11 happened.

I know WHY we were happy. But I am still scared. Worried.

But we have an amazing military. So I will try to stay positive.

The weather here is irritating at best. We had a beautiful weekend. I was outside most of both days. I am slightly lobster in color because of it. But this week? Rain, rain, showers, rain, water falling from the sky...UGH!

I love this state on sunny days. It's beautiful! It's literally PERFECT. But it sometimes feels like those days are so few and far between. And when we do get them, it's like you are almost scared for the next day to come. You never know when it will end.

Ok, to recap...I am in need of a weight loss miracle or a sharp knife and some roofies, relationships are difficult especially when there is douche involved (not so fresh feeling), families sometimes eff up and it sucks ass, I am not a financial guru and need to find money in my ass (or Clark Howard), the Wicked Witch of the desert is dead but still scary, and rain rain go away please don't come back. But please stay green.

I am doing my first Linkie, people! (I think...)

2011-05-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

http://alltheweigh2009.blogspot.com/2011/05/friend-makin-mondays-are-you-bookworm.html

Friend Makin' Mondays: Are You A Bookworm?

1) How often do you read? Honstly, I usually have anywhere from one book to about four books that I am reading at one time. Sometimes I am re-reading a book, or it's one of those Chicken Soup books. I have books in random spots all over my house. I always hate when I get plots confused though. Or when I am reading one book and am chuckling about a death when I realize that the humor plot is a different book....oops.

2) What's the last book you read and loved? I have loved every single Jennifer Lancaster book with a healthily unhealthy passion! (Can't wait to see her in a few weeks!!)

3) What book(s) are you currently reading? Re-reading Bitter Is The New Black, Chicken Soup for the Pet Lovers Soul (OMG I cry like a baby! There may be some snot marks on these pages!), and just finished up a book by ______ (Jancowski? Can't remember!) And guess what else? I can't remember the name of the two books I read by her! They are about a 50 something year old female "sleuth". It's a pretty cute read, both books were. I will have to look at my e-reader library to see the names again! Sheesh...

4) Share a few of your favorite authors. Jennifer Lancaster (duh...repetition much)...I have a bunch of authors I like, but the list is extremely long. Some I can't remember their names and have to Google them or look at my past check out history, some I remember the names but can't remember which book it was that I liked. I am not a huge fan of romance novels, but I do like Nora Roberts. I have read a lot of her books.

5) What's next on your list of must-reads? Jennifer Lancaster's new non-fiction of course, which will add to my signed collection! (Sqeeee!)

I keep a pretty open mind when looking for new books. I normally download or check out (I still frequent our library in town) anywhere from 5-8 books every three weeks or so. I like scary, funny, some political, satirical...I like all books. A book for every mood!

Now it's your turn to share your answers! Don't forget to link back here so we can all see your answers too! Happy Monday!

Ozzy Osborne. With less bat head eating. Maybe.

2011-04-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Aw...HMO's! How glorious thy be!

While trying to decide if I needed to have an updated appointment to possibly reevaluate my prescription needs, (ie trying to determine if my crazies have been contained and to collect my $30 co-pay) my lovely HMO had not yet refilled my crazy pills. I went from 2 pills, to one pill, to one day of a half pill.

Then to none.

And holy shitaculous, I seriously turned into a meth addict look-a-like. (I was aiming more for crack whore, less crack, more whore, but I haven't quite gotten to my whore -able weight yet.)

Anywho, while sitting at work, I felt like I got shanked in the head. So I took some Excederin. Well, I probably, maybe, quite possibly, took a "few" more than I should have. Not because I fear for my liver or anything, but because there is caffeine in them there pills.

So with my upper Excederin, and my "downer" from not being on my crazy pills, I got a little weird.

Like, I started sweating. Profusely. But my skin was apparently cold and "hard".

Then I started twitching a little. Like, I couldn't keep my fingers still.

And then my feet got twitchy.

And then I couldn't focus on anything on my computer.

So I just leaned back in my chair and...well, twitched. And sweat.

Then I realized I still had to get a few things done for my boss. I went into his office to take him his travel folder, he asked me a question, and I just twitched. Looked at him, and then made some mumbly noise and walked out.

Awesome.

I finally went back into his office and told him I was kind of having some crazy pill withdrawals and that I really needed to go home.

I was vomitous at that point as well.

By the time I got home, a lovely 45 minute drive with my sunglasses on, window down and radio off, I fumbled into my room. Realized one of my cats puked on my bed. Got that all picked up, put on sweats and a t-shirt, got into bed and then....well, stopped sweating. Because now I was freezing. Like the absolute shakes.

And then I got a bloody nose. All over my white down comforter.

Jesus H. Christ. Gross.

I stayed in my bed watching Maury with one eye closed. Luckily, my mom had gone to my lovely doctors office and told them they needed to sell her at least a weeks supply of pills while they are deciding. Thankfully, they did.

Because between the headache, shaking, twitching, light and noise sensitivity, unfocused eyes and speech slurring and tourrettes like cursing outbursts, Ozzy and I were identitcal twins for a bit.

I may or may not have threatened a crow with Manson like homicidal shouting. While in my work parking lot.

I may or may not have also tried to chase it while imagining shutting it up by biting it.

I am feeling much better though. Although, ever since then, while sitting at my desk, I can hear a "water dripping into a bucket" sound. Every few seconds. Every. freaking. few. seconds.

I actually try to type harder to not hear it. HARDER TYPING HARDER TYPING....DAMN IT.

I need a drink.

Sometimes It Hurts Instead...

2011-04-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, our choices that we make for ourselves, even against all sane advice, is still the one we go with.

You know that if your brain and your heart could somehow combine and think as one, you would listen to the sane advice. That you would move forward. Instead of falling back time and time again.

But our brains and our hearts don't talk. They don't work together to come to one very logical and perfect decision. One that not only can make you happy, but one that just makes plain ol' good sense.

Your head says that what you are doing is stupid. That it's not a good choice and that the outcome is already laid out in plain view. It's like the yellow brick road of hopelessness that you don't need to go down again.

Your heart says that time heals all wounds and changes everything. Even the path of that yellow brick road.

But that is a bunch of bullshit. Things don't get better. But you listen to your heart even though it has lead you in the wrong before. Not just before, but every single time.

Sometimes, the little bursts of happiness aren't enough. Sometimes those little bursts don't even exist anymore.

And yet, there is still a feeling of loss. But no idea why. I want humor, honesty, kindness.

And without those simple things, all I have is what I always had.

Emptiness.

And that? Does not kick ass.

(Yes, I know I am not really spelling it out here. But some things are just better kept to myself...but it still feels good to write it out. To actually see it....)

Little Bits Of Happiness Are Worth It Even If It's From Your Ass

2011-04-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, first and foremost...I am down 10.4 pounds, BEEYOTCHES!

I haven't noticed a huge difference externally, but I do feel better overall. I find little things easier to do. Heck, I mowed my huge lawn without any break! For me, that was a huge accomplishment! I wasn't even totally exhausted from it!

I have a super long ways to go, but I really feel like I am on the right track.

Plus, for every pound I lose - I get a bead. Not an anal bead. Perverts. (oh, was I the only one that went there with that? Sorry...) Anyways, I get a bead for a bracelet for every pound. The bracelet is almost identical to those expensive Pandora bracelets. Except mine is not expensive. But it's just as cute!

And it feels AMAZING every Tuesday night to go home and pick out a new bead for my accomplishments!

Obviously, I wish I could lose 50 lbs each week and be done with it quickly, but whatev. Damn 3 wishes haven't come through for me yet.

I used to just day dream about that Fat No More Fairy (it was a he. Totally a flaming fairy) coming to me in the night and saying that he would take away any fat on my body that I could pinch. (It started out being any fat that I wanted gone, that I could draw out like a plastic surgeon, or that I could cut with a steak knife...but I have OCD and had to revamp it)

Anyways, that Flaming Fat Fairy never came. And at some point, (whilst eating ice cream and ding dongs, I am sure) I realized that I needed to take responsibility for my weight. So I ate on it (sleeping on it was never my thing) and decided that it "wasn't the right time".

Because that's a good way to have a lean sexy body. heh.

So for some reason, when Schmurly Durly KiKi (name to be changed after a good one is decided upon) told me she was going to the Weight Watchers at work orientation, I decided I would go. I mean, what else did I have planned for my lunch break?

So I went. And joined. For crying out loud, I paid money to have someone tell me what and what not to eat! I was sick I tell you! SICK!

But Schmurly Durly Kiki has been a great partner in this. And a great sounding board. SD Kiki is the only one that knows my actual weight. And I trust her with it.

It's not that I don't trust Sha-Anal (bff I heart you), but having that one person know that number, that GETS that number and has a lifestyle very similar to mine, is pretty cool.

And maybe someday, after I have lost the weight, I will share that number that I started with. And I won't have to stab anyone in the intestines or threaten their families and livlihood. Because that's how I roll.

SD Kiki thinks that we could even be "featured like awesome bitches" (my quote may or may not have come fully from Kiki) for our work. (they have a healthy living type thing going on).

Like Kiki and I agreed - our motto is "Losing some ass, to get some ass". Because apparently we want to whore it up a little. Because we haven't felt confident enough in ourselves to feel sexy.

We deserve it.

Although, according to an article SD Kiki just sent me, we as "fatties" make thin people fat. yes, apparently thin people not only lack fat cells, but also brain cells. So by seeing a fat person, they automatically see a stereotype and are more likely to become obese themselves.

Because fat people didn't have enough issues with themselves. We now have to worry about making other's fat too.

So I am sorry to all of those people at restaurants, stores, the mall, public areas...I am sorry if by seeing my chubby ass that you felt compelled to devour three pounds of fried awesomeness. It's my fault. Please forgive yourself.

For it was I who made you rotund.

On a completely separate note...sometimes in life, we have to take risks. We do things knowing that maybe they aren't the best choices for us, but sometimes a burst of extreme happiness and contentment is worth the aftermath.

Sometimes the monotony of life being broken by pure and unadulterated joy is all that is needed to take a step towards something that you know may not be good for you.

And there are risks that are worth it. I know this. I feel it. In my heart, my soul. Everywhere.

And despite objecting opinions or thoughts, I have to live for me. All I know is that in the end, I know I made a choice for myself.

Leprosy is WAY better than being fat

2011-04-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

Leprosy is curable! YAY! Being fat? PFFFFT.

Ok, maybe that's a bad example. But seriously, sometimes I imagine being able to take a pill and wake up in the morning and look like...well, freaking awesome! DUH!

Granted, I wouldn't want to have been a leper PRE water soluble pill cure. But then again, back then there weren't a ass ton of fat people either...you know, starvation and shit. Details.

While I have never been completely self conscious and shtuff, I do have one huge problem. One that fluctuates almost more than the number on the scale.

It's having...crushes. Yes, literally the 7th grade worthy crush. The one where you see someone, then suddenly you SEE someone! And suddenly, you can't talk to them like a human any longer. The only words that you can get out are dur and drool.

Ok, maybe that's a slight exxageration, but honestly it can't be by much.

It's a disease. A disease that I am now infected with.

And I hate it.

Not the part where I think this person is slightly awesome and want to find ways to talk to them.

But the part that my insecurities that I normally don't let see the light of day suddenly are basking in the glow of it all. They are swimming around and flaunting themselves.

Wearing bikinis. String bikinis. And they haven't done any personal grooming in a LONG time.

And they are constantly reminding me that I am not...enough? Or that I am TOO much. I am too much body, I am too much mouth. I am annoying and talk too much.

And I can't imagine what it would be like having someone reciprocate any feelings anymore.

And I HATE THAT. I am not a quivering pile of chub on the floor just waiting to be swept off my proverbial feet. I am a strong black woman...well, that's what Kathy Griffin said once. But you get my drift, right?

But here I am, feeling like I am back in middle school. Looking at my crush from a distance knowing, just KNOWING that he won't ever reciprocate the feelings.

I seriously need to kick my own ass.

Updated: Let's Pick One

2011-04-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

So at around noon today, there are two possibilities...

I am leaning more towards A. I hope that is for obvious reasons.

I have no idea if there was any loss or not. But let me tell you...I STUCK to my points. I never once went over my daily allowed points, nor did I dip into my weekly points at all.

I even went out to dinner on Sunday night. And what I think helped was looking at the nutritional information prior to heading to the restaurant. I got to pick out some great food, AND be within where I wanted to be.

There is less than an hour before I find out if my body responded to Weight Watchers.

I am ok with Curvy Bitch...
not so much with Huge Bitch.

I was going to try not to put anything into my stomach beforehand, but...well, I have. And maybe I will take off my sweater that is over my t-shirt today as well. Hm. And maybe the shoes too. I dunno.

I will have to update after I get that NEW LOWER number! (fingers crossed!)

UPDATE:

five pounds = 2.26796185 kilograms

GONE! I am SO HAPPY!!! I didn't have to kill anyone or throw any tantrums! I did a happy dance that may or may not have involved shaking my butt and clapping for an overly extended period of time.

SAYONARA FIVE POUNDS!!

So that's what that number looks like naked...

2011-03-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am official now. I actually JOINED Weight Watchers at work. I have given over my checks and walked into the meeting. That is the hardest part...

Ok, I take that back. The hardest part was going in and knowing what your weight is. KNOWING that you have weighed yourself in the last few days and as difficult as that number is to see, maybe it was off a little. I was going to get on the WW scale and see a lower number and be pretty happy about that.

Unfortunately, that is not what happened. Instead, I got in line to jump on the scale. The one that only the WW employee can see. I didn't want any "extra" weight on me, so I handed my cell phone that was in my pocket to my friend.

Then I saw her write down the number. Oh boy, THAT number. The one that I WILL NOT SHARE until I know I will never see it again. I was literally breaking out in a sweat. THAT NUMBER WAS EVIL.

I have heard people say before that "they don't know how they let themselves get to that weight", or whatever. Well, comparing my food intake from last week to what I am doing this week...I now know. I was disillusioned. I thought that because I was having grilled chicken, I was being healthy. Well, when that grilled chicken is the SIZE of a WHOLE chicken, it doesn't really do me a lot of good.

Oh, and that cake I had? There was no icing on it, so it was saving me some calories, right? Um, listen here dumbass me, just because I didn't have icing ON the cake, it was still ON THE SIDE OF THE PLATE SO I COULD DIP DIP DIP MY CAKE INTO IT!!! RAH-TARDED.

I have heard that no one thinks about eating meat more than a vegetarian. While I don't know if that is true or not (since I only managed to do it for about 11 months), I do know that as a dieter and now as a Weight Watchers member, no one thinks about food (fried, baked, burnt, smoked, nom nom nom) more than a person trying to lose weight.

And I probably now also think about numbers and points more than a mathmatician or basketball player.

And before yesterday, that was annoying. I didn't want to hear about other people's POINT values and this food and that food and this is lowfat and this is fat free and this is super yummy vegetables oh yum almost as good as french fries bullshit it is you dumbass liar it tastes like carrots because IT IS carrots and you are on a freaking diet and don't make me think about my weight you asshole!

But today at lunch? Totally talked about points. Heck, all day today I have talked about what I am eating and recipes and how many points I had leftover last night.

And you know what? It makes me happy. In a weird way, but still happy.

It makes me realize what I let myself do by being ignorant to it. I allowed myself to put this weight on and I knew that my dryer didn't shrink all those clothes. I just got too fat for them. And yet, I kept shoving food in my mouth and laying on the couch.

I can't cross my legs like a lady, I can't bend over easily to put on my shoes, I can't wear cute t-shirts without wearing a "tight" tanktop underneath, even though that still doesn't hold in my stomach.

I am always tired and walking up the stairs to my third floor desk makes me exhausted. Not the doing it part, the THINKING ABOUT DOING IT part. So I just don't do it at all.

I am not looking to get skinny, but I am looking for that girl inside me or whatever that used to enjoy doing things. That didn't want to sleep away the day. The one that enjoyed shopping for clothes.

And the one that didn't even have a passing thought about not fitting onto a amusement ride. And that is for reals. And it scares the shitake mushrooms out of me.

I don't want to be THAT fat girl.

And you know what? I am 100% for size acceptance and against fatist remarks, I am also aware of what it feels like to be in the realm of both ends - curvy and then fat. And fat just doesn't FEEL good. It makes everything a bit more uncomfortable. And that is not how I want to live. I want to be happy in my skin, and the skin I am in now just doesn't work very well for the life that I want.

I want to ride a bike long distances, I want to go for a jog, I want to do a marathon and run the whole thing, I want to wear a super cute pair of jeans that I also look amazing in, I want to wear stilleto heels and not have to picture myself stumbling and breaking the hell from my weight alone, I want to wear skirts that show my legs off, I want to get my stomach tattooed and be proud of the way it looks, I want to go out with friends and not realize I am the "fat one". And I want to be pregnant and not have anyone wonder if I am just fat or if I am pregnant. I want the basketball under my shirt! And I want to be able to run and play with my child someday...and not just ..."someday"..., but someday soon.

And those may be superficial things to someone else. But this is my life. And I really love my life. And I want every last enjoyable moment out of it. I don't have to be skinny, but I want to be healthy. And I want beautiful curves back.

And sitting on my couch & eating is not doing it for me anymore.

Is it Possums or Opossums?

2011-03-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Honestly, the title has nothing to do with my post. But I am really curious. I see it written both ways and I am being too lazy to Google it.

I wanted to say a little something about my last post. I have had several people tell me that I was being mean to myself. That I was downgrading myself and putting myself down.

I disagree. Well, for the most part at least. What I said may have had some exxageration in it. I don't really have big ol' bitties in my back fat. (well, I don't think I do. I can't see it!)

I like to laugh. I like to make light of situations. And I like myself. I am so very far from being perfect on so many levels, but I get one life to live. I may get undressed in the morning to take a shower and not swoon over my chub, but I also know that I am the only one that has control over the reflection. I am also the only one that has control over how I react to that reflection.

I have my bad days. Where I even hate walking down the hall at work because I feel like my stomach is sticking out farther than normal. (it's almost ALWAYS my stomach I have issues with) But guess what? I am fat. Yep, shocker. But that doesn't change that I still am optimistically happy and know that no matter what I wear, it's not like suddenly people are going to be shocked to find out that I am a plus size gal. That somehow me sucking in my stomach and wearing my coat made me miraculously look like a size 8. Nope.

There aren't too many things on my body that I "like". Well, I like my chest. And my small hands and feet. And I have a good shaped head should I ever decide to rock the Sinead O'Connor look. But I am the one that didn't treat my body well. I didn't eat the right foods or make it active. And I have to live every day in this body. And if I actually HATED it, I don't know how I could get out of bed.

I poke fun at myself because I honestly think life is funny. It's wonderful and grand and I am a big girl.

And guess what? I don't ever WANT to be skinny. I would be extraordinarily happy to just get back in a size 12/14 again. I love my curves and my hourglass shape.

I am not as healthy as I could be right now. I am very lucky that I don't have any fat related diseases like diabetes. But that doesn't mean that I won't ever. And I am 30! It is NOT going to get any easier to lose (wait...let's say get rid of instead of lose. I don't want to "find" the weight again after it's gone!).

So please don't feel like I am hiding behind it all and just making fun of myself out of pain and despair. I just like to laugh.

Sometimes it really is as simple as that.

My Tummy Sticks Out Farther Than My Dickie Do...wait....

2011-03-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

**Updated Info - It's not a SHELF I have for an ass...it's a COUCH! Oh, and a truck with double dualies...Oddly enough, this was from a guy that was hot for me...weird terminology but hey, he liked it! HAHAHAHAHA***

I think I may have just joined Weight Watchers At Work. I only "think" this may have happened because I cannot believe I am doing it. I don't WANNA count points! I want to sit and eat cake and ice cream and deep fried artichokes (yummy!) and still weigh a mere 115 lbs! Oh, and I DON'T WANNA exercise! I want to wear sweatpants everyday...on my couch!

But alas, I think my boobs and my fat roll are both DDD. And I haven't been back there for awhile, but I think I may also have C cups on my back.

And the fat behind my knee? I may be hiding a small colony of gnomes in there for all I know. And I may go ahead and start a antique shop on MY ASS because it's a freaking shelf!

I used my fat roll in the shower to hold my exfoliating glove. Yes, TMI. But honestly, doesn't that make you think of cartoons like Family Guy and The Simpsons and how Homer and Peter can be naked and nothing shows because of their fat roll?! Because that's what I imagine I look like.

Well, except I have five fingers and for some reason they seem to have four...

Anywho, so I gave my credit card number for Weight Watchers. The lady that sits by me, Kris, is the contact at work for WW and she is pretty excited I am joining.

Which I haven't decided if I like or not...I mean, she is SUPER excited I am joining. Like as in, she has told other people that have come over to sign up for this up coming session that I am joining. And she does a little happy clap when she tells them. I can't always hear her say it, but I can see the people turn to look at me...sizing me up I suppose. It's a dead giveaway.

I have not reached a point (nor am I close to) where I cannot walk and where my ankle/cankle fat hangs over my actual ankle bone. I am a fatty right now, but I am mobile for crying out loud! With her excitement, you would think I had been homebound for the last year and was eating my weight in bacon.

(side note....nom nom nom...BACON!)

I am nervous about the whole WW thing. I worry that I will fail, I worry that I won't have enough $$ to buy all of the good food and resort to Top Ramen again. I worry that I will count points wrong and screw it all up. Or that I will cheat.

I then tell myself that I am fine how I am and that I have never had any ill side effects due to my fatty fat fatness.

But then I wonder if maybe I am using my jiggle to protect me from relationships. From having to commit to anything. I don't have to worry about falling for someone when I can't even get anyone to take a second glance at me.

And really, it is NOT comfortable when you are laying on the couch and you feel like you are being suffocated because your boobs are invading the space that is normally occupied by your neck.

That kind of sucked.

And I would LOVE to be able to wear the cute clothes that I used to wear...rather than look at them and chuckle. Or cry. Whatever.

I just need to do something. I am 30 now. It's not going to get any easier to lose weight. Honestly, it may even get more difficult.

And I want to be a mom in a few years. I have told myself that I will need to go buy the little spermies at a "bank" because I won't meet anyone. But maybe I would if I didn't look like I sat and watched Family Guy while eating a tub of ice cream every night.

I wish I was a quadrillionaire though so I could take the "easy" way out and get every ounce of extra and unwanted fat sucked out. Because THAT sounds easy.

My first meeting is on March 29th. Wish me luck? (and as an image/idea of why I need so much luck...about a year ago I decided to do the Special K Diet for two weeks. You know, the one they talk about on tv. I bought all the stuff - the cereal, the protien water, the snacks - everything. I was commited! I did it for ONE MEAL and freaked out at the commitment of only having that. UGH!!!)

PS. I am awesome.

Such Aspirations...

2011-03-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have about five hundred trillion and eight design blogs that I have bookmarked and read religously.

There are some design blog photos that literally make my heart jump around and do funny flip flops...much like I think falling in love would feel like!

OMG do you see the details UNDER the glass below the TV!

Sigh...I want these stairs SO bad!

This just makes me feel feminine and old timey in a good way!

I want to jump into that bed and snuggle!

I love the suitcase!

I love the pale colors

Why don't I do fun things like this on Holidays?! I mean, LOOK AT THOSE MICE!

Same staircase, but for Christmas!

I want my home to have so many pieces of each of these photos...and SO many more that I couldn't bring myself to list every single one! I get all of these fantastic ideas, but it seems that once I try to do my own, it never quite lives up to what I want it to be.

I have a lot of things about my home I like a lot...especially the refurbished pieces and Craigslist pieces that I have re-done. I am very proud of those.

I just wish I could find that niche that these people have (Liz Marie, Thrifty Decor Chick, Funky Junk Interiors - to name a few).

But I will just keep trying to find that perfect look.

And to keep my animals from shedding on it, eating it, peeing on it, knocking it over or chewing on!

Sheening up my coin purse

2011-03-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Thank you to The Bloggess for putting this on her blog...I lurve you for it. Here is my mad lib featuring bits of Charlie Sheen.

“I am on a drug. It’s called Joie Of Awesome. If you try it once, you will Diddle yourself relentlessly. Your taint will melt off, and your Creepy Uncle will Shank over your Destroyed chicken flesh body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not a Super Muffin—a total freaking Butthole bleacher from Jupiter. I’ve got Jackrabbit blood, Tityos DNA! … They picked a fight with a Shrek. They’re trying to take all my paper cuts and leave me with no means to diddley doo my family. It’s not Scientology ! They owe me an apology while moistening my angry vagina … I don’t think people are ready for the keyboard I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of stark raving mad love. I exposed tea bags to magic! Here’s your drool and snot test. Next one goes in your special and private coin purse!”

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/features/2011/02/stark-raving-mad-libs-201102

Someday...I will hit hard.

2011-02-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

It amazes even me that I am still doing this Roller Derby thing. I was on the border of quitting...really leaning though. I allowed my emotions get the best of me, but a few kind words made me realize why I am doing this. That I actually have a reason.

It's for me.

It's not for anyone else. I do this not to impress anyone but myself.

I love to talk about it, but it's not to say "oh look at me" as much as it is to say OH MY FREAKING GOSH Roller derby is so freaking amazing why are you not taking your family and your kids to bouts and why are your girls not in a junior brat league oh my freaking gosh!!??

I absolutely plan on having any children I have in my future...(isn't that where they would have to be since I don't have them yet?) in some kind of roller sport. Whether it's roller hockey, derby, speed skating...I don't care. I love the sounds and the smells and I hope they would too.

I saw the cutest thing ever on Sunday morning practice - it was a little baby, maybe about 9 months old, on skates! The baby certainly was not old enough to even walk by herself, let alone skate, but mom held her arms and the little girl would move her legs back and forth. It was little white skate boots with wheels...but the wheels were so small it looked like buttons!

Seriously the cutest thing ever!

I did have a more "successful" practice on Sunday though. I actually picked up a touch of speed and was able to do a few figure 8's. However, I can't seem to do them yet while at a standstill...or to propel myself. And I managed to stand on my skates without falling for about 30 or so minutes while watching the scrimmages. Felt good.

One thing that is frustrating, but to be expected I suppose, is watching girls come in way after me. Like, they are only 3 or so practices in...and they are already jumping into the practice scrimmages. I am just not steady enough for it yet. It's hard to watch that and be all happy for them...but I am.

One of the guys from the men's derby team that practices with Oly on Sunday mornings was talking with me. He said that one thing he really enjoys is knowing where he came from - a very poor skater. And now, he gets extra praise because while he may not be the best, his ability to skate has improved ten fold. And that is true. I know that I will at some point be able to get out there. I know I could make a really awesome blocker. And I know how far I will have come to get to that point.

I will gladly welcome the pats on the back for that. Because I will have earned it. There is no cheating at gaining skills. You can't just squeak by and suddenly have the ability to be in a bout. There is no hiding poor skating. So I will have to work hard to get it. And I am not used to really working hard for anything. It either comes easily to me...or I don't try. Very few things have I ever stuck with.

Derby is worth it. It hurts. And I proudly flaunt the pain with pride.

Just Sayin'

2011-02-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

I swear to God I'll piss a Happy Meal off

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smopho/sets/72157605941018360/

Whiny Contentment

2011-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I think that things happen for a reason. I have no doubt about it. Sometimes we don't understand why, but that isn't really for us TO understand.

And it isn't always the big things either. Sometimes, it's the little things that add to the bigger picture. The little things are just as important.

Sometimes those little things can be as small as a few words written in an email, but it can totally put your self esteem back on track. Can put your head back where it is supposed to be; back where it's used to being.

I may be a "Jack of all trades, Master of none", but that's ok. I like to dip my toes in lots of different things. Sometimes something sounds awesome and I am gung ho about doing it and it will be awesome...only to find out that it's not really what I want to do. That honestly, it kind of sucks. Damn it.

Other things...well, there haven't been many other things. Again, I tend to quit. I am not great at it? Oh, well then I quit. It's hard or frustrating? Oh, ok...I quit.

But sometimes something comes along that you know could make you proud of yourself. That is difficult and harder than anything you have ever tried, and it hurts. Like literally - hurts. (As in, there is an entire Facebook page to how much it hurts...)

But you like it. Well, right now you don't like actually doing it because you suck so hard at it. (you=me....duh) But the smell and sound and thoughts of it actually make you smile. Goosebumpy even.

That's what Roller Derby does to me. And I let my feelings get hurt. The feelings that I am used to being nicely tucked away and in control. Well, for the most part.

But one simple email reminded me that it isn't all about me. Sometimes people do just get busy and are so into what is going on that one tire that isn't being squeaky enough slips through.

But the tire finally got some attention and is ready to keep rolling. On all four wheels. Just needed to be knocked down a little. Hmmm...I think I need to put pillows on my butt and hips.

Rolling the wrong way...

2011-02-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

I am not sure what to do. Or if I am just being ridiculous. I am just having a hard time. Part of me is angry, part is hurt, part is sure that this was going to happen the whole time.

I went into this Derby thing full force. I wanted it. I want it. But I couldn't seem to get the confidence I once had on skates back. I was really lagging behind where I felt, and I am sure everyone felt, I should be. And it didn't help that I was only getting in one, hopefully two "practices" a week. The late night Wednesday one would have made work suffer the next day, and a hobby shouldn't interfere with that.

So last Thursday morning, I had emailed the coach to double check that there was practice that evening. I have not seemed to be able to get anyone to give me a schedule yet, and had had two days of showing up for practice previously, only to find that there was no practice that night. Twice because "it had been on the books" and another time because no one bothered to tell me. I have been the ONLY derby person to show up when not supposed to. So apparently every one else on the team was "in the know".

Anyways, I emailed the coach on Thursday morning to be sure that there was practice. I received an email back saying "Yes, 8:30" I figured that since she had accidentally told me 8:30 on several occassions and actually meant 6:30, that she had again made the same mistake. So I didn't say anything back. I have already felt like a pest.

So I race home after work, change, gather up my dogs to take with and hurry out the door to make practice. I was actually looking forward to my first practice with my new skates! I walk in and roller hockey practice for the junior league is finishing up. So I use the restroom and sit down to start getting geared up.

I get up to go grab a Skateland schedule just to look at - I want to try and get just some normal skating in for practice. The guy that was in the ticket taking booth looked at me and gave me a weird look. He asked if I knew there was no practice for the evening. Um, hm. I said that I had received an email that was from the coach saying that there was...He said that there had been a private party on the books for quite some time.

I don't think I could have had so many emotions go through me if I had wanted them to. I mean, I can understand that the coach is busy. I totally get that. But this has been ongoing with her and I. I feel that she doesn't consider me a part of the team, doesn't consider me a member of the league and doesn't consider me as worthy of receiving a schedule. I feel that she just simply doesn't consider me.

And honestly, that is a horrible feeling. I have not taken any of their time or asked for special treatment. I just asked to be there and to be a part of it all. Sometimes it was to observe, sometimes it was to try on my own. But I was there. And I was at the bouts cheering them on.

I walked out of Skateland with my tail between my legs. I got in my car and sent an email from my phone. I mustered up everything I had to keep it as casual as possible, yet to let her know I was relatively pissed. But I did end it with "hey, let me know if you guys need any volunteers for the bout on Sunday".

And nothing.

I squished around with these feelings all weekend. I came to work yesterday and decided that maybe, just possibly that email hadn't gone through. So I emailed again. I tried to say everything I was feeling without coming off as a complete headcase. I also said I know I am doing poorly, but I want this. And I plan on getting just plain skating practice in on my own time.

And....nothing.

Part of me wants to just show up on Thursday night and see what happens. The other part doesn't want to throw myself at people that don't want me there.

There are two other teams I have looked into, but one still practices at Skateland. So I don't know if that's the best idea yet. The other is in Fircrest/Tacoma, but is $20 MORE a month for dues. But maybe what I should do first...practice on my own. To find the joy in skating on my own again.

And then go into this with a renewed sense of excitement. Because right now? They have taken my joy away from me. And I want it back.

Quit QUITTING!

2011-01-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

I went to derby practice again. Sunday morning. Bright and friggin early. I had tried to attend the previous Thursday evening, but it had gotten cancelled for the night.

I still have no clue what I am doing. Currently, I am still skating and holding hands most of the time with Tannah. I mean, she is awesome. Nothing against her. But seriously? I wanna play with the big girls. I want to stay upright!

I sat down too many times...but I kind of want to blame that on me being sick. I ended up going home and passing out the rest of Sunday, and then missing work on Monday and Tuesday. Stupid sore throat. It was MISERABLE! (Not to be confused with Strep miserable...which everyone immediately wants to ding me with...)

Anywho, I skated. I am going to use that term loosely for the time being. But I want to stay positive. I want to believe that I can do something, even if it is hard work and involves athleticism.

Dani (Sassy) made a statement to the girls when she was trying to gear the big kids up for some hardcore cardio. She said "We may lose a bout because we don't know the rules well enough. Or we may lose because we just don't play hard enough. But we will NOT lose because we are out of shape...." And that scares me. I have NEVER been IN shape. I have been smaller than I am now, but never IN shape.

What if I quit? What if I think this is just too hard of work and I stop going? Think of one of my lame ass excuses that I always seem to come up with. That terrifies me. I am terrified of myself. I am terrified that I have talked a lot of talk, but then will back peddle faster than you can say fresh meat!

It's what I always do. Find a reason to be lazy and fat. I never did the sports thing in school. Ever. I HATED PE. HAAAATTTTEEEEDDDD! But I pray to LORD JESUS that I treat Derby differently. I have spent $$ on gear so far. ($30 helmet, $20 wrist guards, $60 knee pads, $25 elbow pads, and it will be about $150 for the skates...) I don't want to have all of this gear just "laying around" and reminding me I am a failure. That I give up so easily. I mean, it's When the going gets tough, Joie gets leaving. It's awful. And I do it all the flipping time. With everything. I find something that sounds great, some kind of hobby. And if I am not immidiately good at it, which I have never been immidiately good at anything, then I give up. It's like I automatically see what I WANT to be, but I am not willing to put in the effort to get there.

I know this about myself. And the saying goes, the first step is admitting you have a problem. But I have admitted this problem before. My problem with laziness. And I find an excuse to excuse my self on that too!

I may not be an actual athlete, but I more than anything don't want to be considered a quitter. Again.

Got Derby?

2011-01-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

New Hobbies are awesome - this was my "summary" email of my very first practice (if you can call it practice when the only accomplishment I was aiming for was staying upright) with the Oly Rollers....

Ok, so I got there a few minutes late. I ended up on the wrong side of Olympia because I put SW in my GPS and not NE. Anywho, it was only a few minutes so it was fine.

I got there (the place outside has NO street lights and it’s kinda creepy…)and Dani AKA Sasy told me to get my sweats on and get some skates from them. I went in the bathroom and changed, came out and they had started doing their laps at that point. She yelled out to one of the girls to come over and get me set up with a helmet as well. So I got laced up and got my helmet on. Stood up on the carpet and realized I couldn’t skate. They were still doing laps. I got myself wheeled over to the rink and tried to go forward. I sat down again. One of the girls that was doing laps on the outer ring (slower on the outside) waved me in. I got up and managed to get about 10 feet before I sat down again. I talked to a girl that was sitting there for a few minutes. I stood up on the carpet side this time and tried to get used to the skates. One of the girls, I think her name is Tana (I will have to double check) came and got me. She got me out on the rink and she skated backwards while holding my hands. We went like that around once or twice. The group was now done with their 100 (OMG!!) laps in 10 minutes. No joke. And the “good skaters”, the Costa Nostra girls, they did all their laps in a tight pack. I don’t know how they don’t trip over each other! So they went to one side of the track and were getting water and such and Tana moseyed me over that way as well. They started doing their practice – the first one was jump up and down 5 times on your toe stop only and then drop down on your butt, get up and jump on your toe stops, etc. I had to have two people help me up the second time I fell cause I couldn’t get up! So watching (not participating in that) them do that was pretty cool! Two of the girls are super pro at it and were pretty awesome to watch.

Anyways, Tana came and got me and wheeled me over to the other end of the course with a few of the other girls that are still newer. The one girl has done 6 practices now – she started when her baby was 4 days old! He is 2 months now. J So my little group of not so goods just practiced in the middle skating while the others ran sideways on their toe stops and then sprinted for 10 minutes. In the time that one of the “good ones” had done like three of those kind of laps, I was on the inner loop doing like 2.

Then the good ones started doing practice bouts – like where they do two Blockers and one jammer. And listening to the blockers totally knock down the jammer was insane! I watched one girls arm go behind and under her when she fell – I thought for sure her arm got ripped off! But she grimaced for like 2 seconds got up and shook it off….dang!

Our little group just skated around and practiced the figure 8’s and stuff – which I still can’t do without falling. But she said that probably has more to do with my rented nasty 25 year old skates than me. J She is 26 and is retired alumni. Her and Dani are the founders of Oly Rollers. Tana has skated for 20 years. And 18 of those were as a speed skater, 16 were in roller hockey and 6 almost in Derby. And Dani is a Nat’l Champ speed skater. She still does bouts too.

I watched a practice scrimmage and watched them play “Last Man Standing” – that’s where they all are blockers and are just trying to be the last person standing – dur. LOL

My little group was super nice and we looked at skates and talked about putting together a skate package, etc. Found out how the Oly Rollers works.

So practices are Sunday mornings at 9 AM (yuck), Wednesday nights at 9 pm (no way am I gonna be able to do those and get home at 1130) and Thursday nights at 6:30ish depending on hockey before it. Saturday mornings are Pancake feeds from 7:30 – 10:30 at Applebees on the West Side of Oly. They have club dues ($30/mo) and that starts after 30 days if you decide to join.

Tana was super awesome with talking to me about being a chubmeister. She showed me who this other girl was – a bigger girl herself, and she has been doing this for a month and a half. She started where I am (horribly) and is now skating the loops and practicing with them. She isn’t great, but she is determined. And Tana kept saying it takes heart. And she retired because she said that Derby takes over your life. She said there is outside life and then there is derby life. And she wants to start a family and needed to give it up…but she still comes and hangs out and helps.

So anywho, yes I am sore, but I am more exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until 1 this morning – wound up I guess.

Winning the lottery never sounded so good...

2011-01-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely three day weekend...But that is a bit biased. Any weekend that I can get up when I want, do what I please and go wherever my heart desires is a good weekend. I have had very few "bad weekends" in my life.

I do love my job. One hundred trillion percent. But that does not take away from the fact that I think I was ultimately meant to be a multi-billionaire. I can literally see myself rolling around in actual hundred dollar bills...rolling around in nickels and dimes is not fun. They stick to you and you find dimes in odd crevices.

I listened over the weekend about the guy and his wife that won the Mega Millions lottery. It was split between two people, but he still is getting like a huge wad of money. I had hoped to win. I mean, I didn't play, but that is just details. Miracles do happen, no?

I even have the details figured out on what I would do if I won. I would not want to be on tv, or have my name all over the tv and radio. I know too many people who would be able to get a hand out from me. And then I would dislike them. Because I am stingy and I like money. Don't judge me. I would donate to a few things, mostly animal based charities. But I would definitely pay off my house, my car...Then I would buy a house in either North Tacoma or North Puyallup. Nothing fancy schmancy. Just old and fabulous. Lots of character. I would probably buy one for my mom too, if she wanted me to. I would rent my house in Yelm out for a super great price. And I would give my notice at work...IF I made a buttload of money in the lottery. If it is just a load though, I would keep working. I wouldn't want to end up on that Lottery Ruined My Life show on tv. It can be a curse it looks like - I mean, I am totally willing to take the chance and see what that curse is all about though.

I disagree that money can't buy happiness. There are some bangin' shoes that I would totally buy. And that would make me happy too. See?! Money=Happiness if you do it right!

Awww...dreams of fantastical amounts of cash. BLISS!

I have this "thing" I am doing on Thursday, and am terribly nervous about it. Excited nerves though. I don't know if it is something that I will end up loving or hating, but I really want to try something new. And Lord knows I definitely hear my own little drummer in this world of mine...I am keeping this "thing" to myself for now. A few people know, but mostly for the sake of being able to tell SOMEONE.

I need some good vibes!!

Just Not That Into You...

2010-11-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

I am alive...I just haven't been in the mood to write. I have had lots to say....just not the desire to write about it.

I don't know why. I think about it. I think about the blogs I follow, how everyone is doing. The bits and pieces of lives I have missed over the last few weeks.

I have just been cranky lately. And busy. Busy with life, with work...with my own thoughts.

My mom is having surgery next week, so I will be taking most of next week off from work. I just found out about it, so work has been ten times more hectic. Trying to organize, prioritize and think ahead - these are not my best characteristics. Especially when I am worried and consumed with thoughts about my mom's surgery.

I ran out of my sleepy time pills last night and took a different kind. But I took two. So the entire night was full of horrible nightmares and feeling drunk. Not a good combo. And then my power went out for about 2 minutes...so I had to wake myself up to reset my clock, my alarm...only to realize that the clock I had looked at in my bathroom had not been reset after the time change last weekend. So I had to wake myself up again, double check on the tv that it really was wrong, and then reset my clock again.

This is not condusive to a good night.

I am thinking I should tuck my cranky ass in the corner, and rock myself back and forth - while repeating This Too Shall Pass.

Cute, eh?

Work From Home jobs, Escort Services - Same Difference!

2010-10-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, there has been great fear. And honestly, it's understandable. My job, my place of employment, is "re-organizing". And that word strikes fear into the hearts of many.

Right now, it's only our "general" departments that are being effected. But that's for NOW. Who knows what will change between...well, now and tomorrow morning!

My boss has two things he has always said - "No one is irreplaceable" and "You can do anything you want on your last day". Granted, the latter is what he says to me after I ask if I can do something really stupid. But I digress.

The fact is, we are being outsourced. But not by people in some foreign country. Well, not as far as I know! We are being outsourced by technology. Heck, some of the very technology we are being replaced by is the stuff WE said would help make our jobs easier. Corporate listened!

Currently, Company is working on just working on the changes through attrition and transition. But there is of course talk of pink slips. And honestly, I am sad for so many that are being affected. Some of the folks in one of our departments have spent their ENTIRE career there. 30+ years. And they are coming up on retirement in a few years....they feel lost. And scared. And angry.

And I can't blame them. I have a tiny tinge of fear in the back of my mind too. But I honestly don't think I will be touched by this. Unless they do away with the entire manager's position, I would have a job. And with what my Bossman does, it's not likely they ever would.

But you just never know. Things that used to take an entire team to do, are now being done by one person thanks to technology and computers.

What do people do? What happens when you lose a job? I have never known anyone that literally ended up living on the streets or a shelter. But I am positive it happens.

I started wondering what I would do if I lost my job here (God forbid). Considering I have not a darn thing holding me to this place (county, city, state), I could up and move. I could go wherever a job would take me.

I was thinking of all the things that I would think about trying...one that stood out was being an apartment manager.

Yes, I know that is absolutely NOT glamorous. But I would LOVE to work from "home" so to speak. And I love secretarial type duties.

But I am always open to new things...

I just don't want to sit around being scared. I want to prepare myself mentally for things that may or may not be without freaking out. I want to take life in stride and enjoy it as it comes. And I ALWAYS want to have a back up plan.

Thank God I am on happy pills.

Everything Between My Knees And Boobs and all things stuffed

2010-10-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

So, today my little group of four secretaries went on a field trip to our Executive office. We wanted to see some new technology that was available and have lunch with the secretaries in the office. A chance to get to know each other, better than just on the phones.

Ok, fun. Sounds good.

Oh...what? Oh yeah, I can't just wear jeans. I have to get all fancy. Well, hmph. Ok. Fine.

So I wore khaki pants, brown shoes, a "kangaroo" black tanktop (to hide the tummy kinda), a gold sparkly tank top under the black and a 3/4 sleeve light colored cardigan (which I had to re sew the button on last night).

Ok, that sounds simple enough. Not too dressy for me, not too casual that I feel crappy.

But my khakis make my thighs look and feel like hard packed large curd cottage cheese. Yummmm.

So I decided to wear one of these:

It helps hold the thighs in, make the stomach feel "tucked" in...Perfect!

Except I don't FEEL like that lady. Nor do I LOOK like that lady. No, I look more like this:

Yep, I look and feel like a baked ham, all strapped in. I have had that feeling before - when I tried wearing fishnet thigh highs. And a pair of Spanx pantyhose.

This OH so lovely body shaper has somehow found a way to make the chub above my knees feel pinched and squashy. I have to pull them down periodically, otherwise you can TOTALLY tell I have something on under the khakis.

And OH MY GOD - it is bothering the shiznizzle out of my...well, I don't know what it's called! The area under my boobs, and then all the way around! It keeps creeping up UNDER my bra, which pushes my bra up in front and then my boobs look like they are going to explode out of either the top of the bottom. And it's really uncomfortable to have my boobsicles tucked under my bra, and really whoreish to have my chest oozing out of my top! And it ITCHES!

I had to go to the restroom after three Diet Coke's while at the Exec office. Just getting these damned things DOWN was a chore! You pull them down and they role up around your thighs. And by that point, you have to pee so bad you might as well just stand there and go. Holding my thighs together was a great work out though.

And then getting them back up? Holy HELL! It was like putting on a three sizes too small full body leotard made of Latex!

I am not feeling like a sexy bitch. I feel like a stuffed baked ham. Not sexy. Well, at least it's not to people that don't have sexy ham fetishes.

What?! I am sure they exist!

Did I ever tell ya'll about the time I ended up at the hotel during a Furries convention? Awkward elevator ride. I think the panda was giving me the lookie loo.

Anyways, I am not feeling like a happy hamhock right now.

I think this is the first time in the history of human kind that I am EXCITED to get to the gym to change into my yoga pants and t-shirt.

But then I have to do the kickboxing class. WIth a lady that trained with Billy Blanks for ten friggin' years.

I am not even going to be able to sit down to pee tomorrow.

Pray for my chub.

NFL SUNDAY - I HATE YOU!

2010-10-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

I am on hold with Direct TV. I just found out that I will be charged $49.99 for SIX FREAKING MONTHS for NFL Sunday Package.

And that I ordered a year ago - when I signed up for their service. As a part of the promotion.

And they put it as the third line down on my statements. I am sorry - I get the bill. I look at the total. I pay it. Otherwise, they shut it off. Details like that.

They are saying "they cannot and do not have the authority to take this "feature" off of my package".

BULL FREAKING HONKEY you don't! GET ME YOUR MANAGER! GET YOUR MANAGERS MANAGER!

And for the love of all that is holy and good, change the horrible hold music!

I will update later. Because I know everyone is on pins and needles!

*******UPDATE!************

After being on the phone with the not so kind supervisor, he transferred me to the cancellation department. And he seemed HAPPY about it! Nice customer service there folks.

Anywho, the lady asked me if I was having a good day, I said Meh. She asked if I had had good service from them up until that point. I said yeah, I guess. And then I asked her where the good financial sense was in that they were willing to lose a customer over $300 when I am paying about $100 a month at least. That doesn't make sense at all.

So she apologized and asked if I would possibly be interested in a $300 credit to continue as their customer.

OMG YES - that is WHAT I HAD BEEN ASKING FOR! Customer Service! A Fix to the problem I was having.

So I said absolutely and that I loved her and she was my most favorite person ever. She laughed, but I wasn't joking. I love her now.

So now I have a credit to make up for the NFL package. YAY!!!

Four Days...

2010-09-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

Good God. My birthday is in four freaking days. My 30th birthday. The one that cements in my mind that I am an adult - in theory.

And that theory is about all I got. I don't feel adult like at all. I feel like a lost 20 year old. I thought for sure by the time I was 30 that I would either be married or at the very least, engaged. Have a child. Know how to balance my money. Have lost "the" weight.

I guess that was the epitome of my American Dream. And unfortunately, I am nowhere near living that. I have not had a single part of that become my life yet.

I still feel like an immature child.

Yes, I own my home. Whee. But that wasn't such an accomplishment in 2005...they were freaking giving homes away to anyone that applied it seems! Hence the meltdown now in the economy. Well, a part of it.

Yes, I have a great job. That alone speaks for itself. I have a touch of college education under my belt, but nothing that I would have thought would land me this gig.

I don't mean to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party, but I really am feeling a little low on this. Maybe a lot of people do. Unfortunately OR fortunately - depending on how you look at it - I have friends of all different ages. But they are certainly not helping for the most part.

-The friends in their early 20's say that sucks for you.
-The ones that have already turned 30 or are almost 30 are all either married, have kids, or both.
-The friends that are in their late 30's and 40's can only say - must be nice to be so young. As if they never were.

I am not "down" on myself for this. I mean, it is what it is. No amount of face cream will literally stop my turning 30. It's just hard to say goodbye to the 20's.

It seems I have this huge weird guilt too...I don't really want to do anything for my birthday. I mean, I want presents. Duh. BUT what I mean is, part of me wants to hide in my room and sleep.

The other part is going "Hey dumbass - bring in the 30's with a bang! Do SOMETHING fun!" But I don't know what. And all of my friends have families or are completely not here at all.

My mom really wants to take me "away" for the weekend. Who knows...maybe that is the nicest best thing. I think there is a little touch of me that is sad because it's my MOM that wants to do this for me. Not a significant other. Yes, retarded. I know.

But inside, I am still a little girl that believes in love and being whisked off my feet. That I will have that domestic life where I make dinner for my husband, complain about the kids, have fun stories about what we all do together. And a lot of people may think - well, it's not all it's cracked up to be! Well, guess what? Let ME be the one to experience it and decide. And then I want to complain about it like everyone else!

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just venting.

So thank you for listening!

I ain't nothing like I was before...

2010-09-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Or at least I want to believe that. I want to believe that through past mistakes, experiences and heartbreaks, that I have learned. That I won't be one of "those" girls who falls for the same tired lines every single time. Be it by the same people or different.

And yet? My heart is still being worn on my sleeve...more accurately, it's being held in my hand and given fully to the same person time and time again. And in the same breath that I am saying that I am a stronger person, I know how badly it will hurt already. That I seem to think that if I tell myself these same tired lies over and over again, I might actually begin to believe them. That more importantly, my heart might actually start to listen.

But my lies aren't even strong enough to convince myself. Let alone anyone hearing them. They are weak words said without any substance. Without any merit.

I have a habit of tying my current situations to song lyrics. Almost always cheesey and sappy and ohmyGodshootmenowcauseIampathetic....but they are what they are. And damn it, they get stuck in my head!

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though

Sometimes
Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you til 3 o'clock in the 'morn
And when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse
Half explaining to me like I'm just some kind of a fool
I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you
But when it's time to do for me
You never come thru

Can you meet me half way
Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
They are all songs that I can somehow apply to my current emotions. Of course, sometimes the songs that are more applicable are from Usher or Lady Gaga...but when I am all a gigantic clusterfuck of emotions, these seem more appropriate.

But no matter, because I apparently don't think with my brain and heart together. I can't figure out where I think from. Cause I can't imagine that I "think with my heart" when it's been shattered so many different times. How can it even function, let alone make rational decisions?! Well, it doesn't do a very good job either way.

Whoosh! I iz fast!

2010-09-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

If I could keep up with all the things that are going on in my brain on a daily basis, I would have an amazingly wide array and very full blog. I can't even keep up even though I type 70 wpm consistently. (Proof? You want proof? Scientific proof? http://speedtest.10-fast-fingers.com/ I got that science from another blog!)

Lately, my mind has been occupied about "the thing that shall not be named". (Totally Harry Potter moment, no?) And because my brain is never satisfied concentrating on one thing to obsess over, it will take said thing and split it in sections to think about separately. But they collide and it makes a big ol' clusterfuck of brain sludge. I am sure I am not alone in this. Right?

I am all for surprises and looking forward to my future and all that. But only if I can read the future and see what surprises and things I should be looking forward to are. Quite a dilemma.

The other night, my mom went to bed early.  (shocker...) and I decided to jump on the computer. I like to be on the computer when she is asleep because she tends to do this thing...this thing where AS SOON as I get on, she comes over and wants me to look up this, that, show me this, meh. She was just on the computer, but she wants me to do what she wants. Anyways, I was on the computer after she had gone to her room and I couldn't figure out why the speakers weren't working. So I turned on the overhead light (all the lights were off upstairs) so that I could look at the cords for a second.

I hear my mom come down the hall, "Everything ok?" I said "Yes, why?" Mom said - "I saw the light turn on and I got worried. I thought you went to bed!"

Ok, that's nice. But there are two things that "got me" on this statement. 1) she had walked into her room about 4 minutes prior to me turning on the light and 2) it was 7:45 pm.

OMG

I told her everything was fine, I was nowhere near ready to go to bed and that I was just looking at the computer speakers.

She said..."ok, well it's a work night so don't stay up too late."

Have I mentioned OMG? O MY FREAKING SHIT!  HA!

No, no mom. I am fine. Yes, I have work tomorrow. It's fine. Go to bed. Goodnight. Hasta.

Off she went down the hall again.

At about 8 or so, the phone rang. Since I know she can sometimes get a lot of calls at night from co-workers checking on job status (construction), I yelled out that not to worry, it was for me.

She came down the hall and stood there. I answered the phone and told her it was fine, it's for me. She stood there.

I told the "caller" to hold on and I asked my mom what was wrong. She said "I just wanted to make sure everything was ok since it's getting late."

ZOMG OMG HOLY CRAP

Yes mom. It's absolutely fine!

God, I love that woman but I might attempt a self coronary.

My 30th birthday is a couple weeks away.  Sometimes, I feel more like it's my 11th birthday! My mom adores me (can you blame her?), and I know she only is looking out for me. But Holy Shitake Mushrooms! Breathe woman!

She worried less about me when I was a teenager and was having my boyfriend stay the night!

Oh well...Her and I already both know that we need to separate for both of our personal sanity. It's just like a divorce though...well, the part where we have to split up all the belongings and all that crap. And that makes it more difficult. Plus, I have no clue how we are going to "split" the animals. We have obvious ones that are going with one or the other, but some are a "shared" pet.

And that part sucks. And I am having a harder time with that than with any other thing.

I have found a few apartments I really like in Tacoma though. I like the character of the older ones. Why on earth I bought a brand new split entry house in Yelm, I will never understand.

If I smoked crack, that would at least help explain it.

You can smoke crack, can't you? I should google that.

I went to the cafeteria this morning to get some coffee and something to eat. I got hashbrowns with tomato and jalepenos in it. I asked him if the gravy had sausage in it. He said yes, but they are chopped really small so it would be ok to eat. (he knows I am a vegetarian) That made me laugh - like it's ok to eat the meat as long as it's in small chunks. I said no thanks.

There is a new tattoo place opening in Yelm by me. Part of me is absolutely freaking out wanting to go because I love tats so much. But I probably should have an idea first.

The weather here in Washington is gross these last couple days. This morning was foggy and pouring down rain. That's one thing about this state - it has no problem switching climate/weather dramatically.

Well...I think I have made this about as random as I can right now. Now I am just focusing on finding out if you smoke Crack. Oh, and should it be Crack or crack? Like, is it important enough to have a capital C? I mean, I know it's a bad thing, but even some bad things are important and have capital letters. Like Satan. Or Spam. Ya know?

For the sake of being random today...I won't google that. I will Bing it. (hey, why did I not capitalize the g, but I did the b?)

Choppy's Dog House: Helpin' a Doggie Out

2010-09-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

Choppy's Dog House: Helpin' a Doggie Out

I totally ripped this off of someone else...

2010-09-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just no idea who I stole this from since it came in an email. But it's funny. And sadly? Thought provoking. And I think there are only a small (read:like 2) of these that don't apply to me personally.

Random Thoughts from People Our Age.

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Tingly...

2010-09-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

My arm and my fingers are all tingly. Not the good kind either.

I was attempting to put together an Ikea (How I love thee) coffee table and whilst turning the leg into the sturdy plywood type material, I think I pinched something in my thumb.

I feel like my thumb has a rubber band around it kinda. And like my nail has been cut too short on top and it's all numby feeling. And if I put my elbow down on my desk, I get a shot of that lovely sickening tingly feeling up my arm.

It's the opposite of awesome.

And I look really ridiculous when I am frantically shaking my arm like I have bugs on me. And WA state is not a good state to look like you are freaking out over invisible type bugs being the Meth state and all.

And I caught someone's hand down the front of my shirt oggling my breasticles. Pervert.

It was my own hand. I realized my maturity level has not yet reached a level to distinguish an appropriate place to dig crumbs out from between the girls. So I sat at my lunch table in the cafeteria digging it out.

Disturbing.

When I went to the fair on Saturday night, I had an onion burger (onions and bread - no meat). Yay. When I got home and was putting on my pj's...I found an onion between the girls. Again - disturbing.

I can't even begin to imagine what I would find there if I didn't shower. Not that I am contemplating that.

Just sayin'.

Yeah, I know!

2010-09-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

I know I am sometimes VERY vague about things...even when I am bitching about them. Or happy about said things. Or anything about anything. Other times? I totally overshare. For that I need a 12 step program.

And I know that every article on how to be a Fantabulous blogger says don't treat this like your personal diary. But I can't help it - I am the one writing and it's things that may not make any sense to anyone else, but it does to me. And I LOVE having my actual words here for me to see and read later. I want to be a good little blogger girl, but I also want to fulfill my desire to remember who I am now and things I thought and my ideas.

Yesterday I received a message that both made me angry and made me emotionally heart broken. I still don't really want to talk about it (even though I wrote a blog about it and saved it as a draft so I would actually know what I was talking about - LOL) because I am not even sure what it all is or what it all means. For once, I am not over sharing. I am not sharing at all. I don't do a whole lot of that, so it's a little weird.

Normally, I talk things to death. I literally take that thing and beat the crap out of it verbally, wait for it to sputter and die, and then pick it up again to shake it into consciousness just so I can beat the shit out of it some more. And I do this multiple times. A day. Often with different people, but too often with the same people. My friends are SO lucky! Just in case they missed the tiniest minute detail of my current issue, I will be sure to repeat it multiple times. They can repeat it in their sleep a year later.

In the process of talking these things to death, I feel the need to give great detail most of the time. I want my ~~victim~~ audience to know EXACTLY how I was feeling, what I did with my eyes, how I stood, my reactions both external and internal....hell, I give the details of my birthmarks that no platonic friend should ever know about. (Molly may never recover....or look me in the eyes again.)

Being my friend or even a lucky random person who happens to catch me at the "right" time is privy to these details many times. Hmmm....sooooo lucky!

Anywho, that's why I am not saying anything about my current dilemma. I need time to sort things out for myself without any outsider input. Not that many people would understand anyways. So I am practicing Step One of my program.

It kind of makes me itchy!

I am off...

2010-09-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

I feel so "off" right now. This whole week...you know, all 3 days I have to work of it.

Right now I am trying to be a good friend and a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and a good secretary.

And that was going well.

But right now? Well, about 15 minutes ago? Things got all stressy and I am now all stabby. I hate being confused and I hate emotions. And I do quite a bit of both lately.

I hope and pray that whatever the outcome of my stabby confusion is, that it works out better than it has in the past.

I need to learn to be strong.

Happy FOUR DAY WEEKEND TO ME...

2010-09-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

I freaking love long weekends. They make me all antsy and happy and looking forward to whatever comes my way! Usually by Saturday morning, the only thing coming my way is a blanket over my head so I can sleep until 10 or 11, but that's not the point!

My weekend will not be packed with what it was a week ago, but that's OK. The only man I need in my life is my annoyingly cute Vegas and his screwed up hair cut cause Mom *me* can't groom him very well. He looks dumb. But when you are that cute, it's forgivable...

So Happy Long Weekend to Everyone and think of me often! :)

You Dirtied My Coin Purse

2010-09-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

I have NEVER once claimed to be mature. Not for my age not for a 16 year old. I tend to say what comes to mind when my filter turns off. And when you hurt me or piss me off.

Mason got all three. Not only did my filter forget to flip back on and reload, but he also hurt me - which in turn pissed me off.

So I texted him. Again. And for the last time.

I wanted him to know that I thought he was a dirty whoreish mattress.

That he is 31 and not 16.

That I will not give him my dignity just because I have hormones.

That treating even a one nighter like trash, doesn't make him a better person.

That any man who calls himself the Pleasure Tornado - ain't.

That it was a birthmark. Not a bruise.

I did not get a response back; but I didn't expect one either. It was immature of me and made me no better than him ignoring me. But I was so hurt.

And yet? I totally wasn't shocked. But I had hoped...hoped that I had taken a chance on this guy that seemed SO nice. That after my years of degrading myself by staying with Senor, that I had actually met a guy that not only made me smile, but respected me for ME. Not for what I do, what I have or who I will or might be someday. But for me, now. And someone who wants me to get "better" - because it makes ME feel better.

That accepted my flaws along with my sarcastic humor and big ol' booty. Who accepted my pets even when they are smelly and nasty, and that my mom may annoy me more than anything humanly possible - but I will always love her and protect her.

I had hoped for all that. And I know and I knew that was silly. I couldn't expect to find all of that...at least not yet. I don't know if ever, to be honest.

I have no idea if I will end up alone. I invested SO very much of my life into Senor that I don't even know what a normal relationship is. Or how to hold on to it.

I am angry at Mason for what he did to me. But it's also what I LET him to do me.

I made some choices that I can't change; but I wouldn't necessarily take back either. It was MY Experience.

Never Regret.

If it's good, it's wonderful.

If it's bad, it's experience.

~Eleanor Hibbert.

Hello? Hello?! Oh, ok...

2010-08-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

I had a new experience. One that I never really wanted, but can chalk it up to experience. Lesson learned.

"Mason" and I had three good evenings together. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Talking, laughing, drinking a little...But he wanted just that. A weekend. No relationship, no friendship, no anything.

But I can only guess that. Because he won't even tell me that. He hasn't even talked to me since I left Sunday morning. I know there is that whole "three" day thing, but that is totally fucking lame. And if two people like each other enough, or even have enough respect for THEMSELVES, they contact the other person. At least, that's what I believe. And I am not going to falter from that. I deserve respect, I deserve attention and I deserve to know if someone is "done" with me. Damn it.

I texted Mason this morning and told him (not verbatim) that I had a good weekend with him. That I enjoyed the date since I had never been on a real one. That the weekend was full of new experiences, I got to see The Hangover, drink a few beers, pretend to be Gandalf (long story) and get another step away from my past. That I thought he was a really nice guy and I wish he would have just come out and said "thanks for the weekend, moving on..." I am a big girl, I could have handled it. Unfortunately, silence speaks so much louder - and more irritatingly painful. I said that if he ever had a bored weekend and I was available, hit me up. Then I said Peace Out Yo. :)

I have not received a response - but honestly I didn't expect one. Last night I wanted to say a lot of mean things. Hurtful things. But I didn't. Because I can't claim to be a woman or an adult if I am also going to play the childish games.

I don't know if I will get back on the "wagon" and try again. I might just let things flow how they flow and see where it takes me and what happens.

I have gone through much worse than having a single weekend with a guy that ended with just that. I know that I am worth more than that; even though my self esteem and ego took a big hit. I know that I have a good future and that I deserve respect AND a call back. And if I don't get it, it's not ONLY my loss.

I am happy to be another step further away from Senor. To have had experiences and fun outside of the relationship I had with him. I honest to God needed that.

I am happy to say though - WHEN I lose this weight and I get back into skin that I am comfortable with? I am positive there will be a few regrets from others. :)

Peace Out Yo.

If I were a boy...

2010-08-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard. And maybe I wouldn't be so vague.

Or at least, that's what I keep thinking. I am good at pretending...sometimes. But when things are really bothering me, I get distracted. I get flustered. I can't focus. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!

Today is like that.

I don't have the things I want and I don't know why. I don't know how to get them without being so superly overly annoying that eyes are gouched out.

This is a bunch of crap.

Right Schmight. Ya'll suck.

2010-08-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how unfabulous my mind was last night prior to the date. I was NOT happy. I was trying to think of ANY way to get out of it. I was freaking ready to say I got in a fender bender just so I could go home.

But I didn't want my friends to yell at me. Or hit. Hitting hurts.

So I went to Samurai's which is a Japanese Steakhouse where they do all the cooking in front of you - great places to go! I got there first since we had ORIGINALLY agreed to go to downtown Tacoma. Then I changed my mind. SO he had to drive all the way back up. I am a sweetie.

So I was standing there near the door, and I couldnt see out of the big wooden doors. Every time the door opened, my stomach dropped. I was doing a very good job of pretending to be interested in my cell phone.

Finally, the door opened and he came in. I think I did a double take - he was a lot cuter than his photos!  A lot!

So my fear of not being attracted to him went out the door.

But in walked fear of him not liking me! Vicious!

We were seated and he was to my left.  There were two other couples at the table as well.

Our chef guy, Anthony, was great! Freaking awesome really!!  Mason (that is what I will be calling my date now. He is a concrete mason...) was really outgoing and talks a lot like I do. He has a soft voice, but is not a "soft" looking guy.

He loves to tell jokes and for some reason I am really attracted to his hands. Mason is really pretty fit looking, but boy can pack away the food!  He ordered...the steak, lobster & chicken combination with a SIDE of steak and shrimp. PLUS sauteed onions and mushrooms. And there was also the broth soup at the beginning, a small salad, extra veggies, fried rice and sprouts. PLUS his two long island iced teas and his spumoni ice cream.

He freaking ate it all. And could still walk.

Freak of nature.

After dinner, we walked out to our cars and ended up hanging out for probably almost two hours talking in the parking lot. No one else was there. He told me jokes, we talked about our pasts, his daughter, his ex wife, Senor, my dogs and my "handful" of cats...

I have butterflies.

But my self esteem is not being very nice today. It keeps saying that he only went out with me cause he had nothing better to do.

Then he asked me out again just a few minutes ago on a text.

And I think that he is only asking me so he can help a fat girl out OR so he can get laid and that's the end.

And that I am not good enough to be around his friends. Or that I am not quite good enough to have a guy that has a job, a car, a home, is funny...like me.

Yep. Self esteem - keeping me insane since 1980.

I am really trying to keep my spirits up though. He wanted to know if I was available tonight again, but I am not. Which is a good thing!

Maybe Saturday. Maybe.

I am trying to move forward one step at a time with all of this. It sounds like such a small everyday thing, but the whole thing is completely new to me.

Either way, Mason was totally cute and I am glad he was my first real date ever. :)

I agree. An arranged marriage sounds funner....

2010-08-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

I "dated" Senor for almost 11 years. I was still a teenager when we got together. Before that, I had a guy I "saw" for several months. And prior to that was my high school love (blech).

Now Senor and I are done. It was YEARS in the making. Possibly both of us were too scared to let the other go. Both using each other as our own relationship crutch. That's what it really was - a crutch. Someone to fall back on. Comfortable. Safe. A fall to.

That is all gone. It was never really mine, but it made it easier to claim I did have it. I could use it as an excuse for things.

And now? Somehow I am going on a date tonight. A GOD FORESAKEN FREAKING DATE. With someone from a dating site. Yep, that's what I have done to myself.

And I don't even really want to now. I don't know or even care if it's fear, uneasiness, nerves...but I don't like them. I find it much easier to stay happy in my little life and not venture out. I am terrified that FINALLY I went on this big ol' date, and I dislike him. A lot. And I won't ever want to try again.

Not a whole lot really puts the Fear of God in me. This does. The idea that someone is judging me off of a couple of photos and one phone conversation is asinine. And vice versa. Having someone judge me from the FREAKING moment I walk in to wherever the hell it is makes me dislike myself. Yes, it really does. It makes me dislike dating. It makes me dislike men. It makes me LIKE my single life in a really weird way.

Part of me wants to go just to get it over with. To prove to my friends that I did it and I lived...and I hated every single second. And that I am better off alone.

Yes, I sound bitter and angry. I am so insecure right now and so unnerved right now that I want to curl up and not wake up for 24 hours. To just stand him up and not show. Or better yet- to have him cancel.

How the hell do women do this every day? I would much rather just watch reruns of Family Guy.

Meh.

(Yes, I bitched and moaned about being single. But coming face to face with a first step? Hate it.)

Mommy Issues....

2010-08-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

Normally I like the old adage that no weekend is a bad weekend. I don't think I have EVER looked forward to a weekend coming to an end.

This weekend? Totally different.

I couldn't wait for it to end. I was miserable. And I made my mom miserable.

Not just a little bit. Like WHOLE FREAKING LOADS of disgusting white fur covered shit miserable. Yep. I am that awesome. Meh.

It was my mom's birthday.

YAY - more points for my awesomeness! Meh.

The arguments between my mom and I began on Friday night when I got home from work. It was immidiate. We went to dinner and I just felt irritated. Everything she did, bothered me. A lot.

Saturday, we went to do some shopping and then were going to go for a drive with the dogs. Whilst (fun word) we were in Marshall's, I made a mistake. I thought that my going off to look at clothes in this single story store was acceptable. My mom and I are totally different sizes. I figured she would be ok.

She wasn't.

She "finally" found me (15 minutes) and said "When we are shopping, we really need to keep an eye on each other to know where the other is."

OMG. O FREAKING M G!

I ~~stormed~~ walked calmly out of the store and back to my vehicular. (it was near homicidal) We drove the parking lot over to Pet Smart. And sat in the parking lot for about 30 - 45 minutes ~~screaming at~~ talking to each other.

Basically our issues are that I am almost 30. My mom is...well, older than me cause she is my mom - duh. She moved back home with me when I was about 24 after I had lived alone for about 5 years. We have moved around together, vacationed together, spent weekends together, talked on the phone together, had holidays together, had my boyfriend over together, went for drives together...you get my point?

We are too much together. And I am just about as freaking bull headed and stubborn...and mean...as they come.

And the worst part? My mom is very unknowingly dependent on me. It's a cycle our family has. And I want to break it. I don't want the heavy feeling of responsibility for a parent to continue. And I know my mom doesn't want that either.

I love her with all my heart and I want her to find true happiness outside of me. I can't be her everything, just like she can't be mine. We can be there for each other, but we need lives outside of each other as well.

I know that is what she wants as well. I think she is more worried that I will not be ok. I hope I am able to help her get away from this feeling. I make lots of mistakes and blunders, but they are mine to make. I need to make them.

I think one of the best things for my mom and I would be to have separate living. I am NOT ready to separate from my animals totally yet though. Yes, these are MY issues. So I don't know how this is going to play out.

I do know though that both her and I have things to work on. She is my best friend and I don't like the horrible fights that we have sometimes. I know they are bound to happen though. But the one over the weekend was completely ongoing and unneccessary.

I am happy to be back at work this week where I am able to clear my head a little. I was also able to send my mom an email about all the things I want for her and from her.

I really hope that her and I can find a happy balance again soon.

Although, I do think she would KILL me for writing this. Meh.

Chicken of the sea?

2010-08-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

So after being Loveless In Seattle since June, I decided to maybe try, just TRY, to see if there are such things as other men out there.

That don't hunt.

That don't have a mullet.

That don't ask me things that are really stupid.

That can carry a conversation about things other than sex.

That aren't married.

That are respectful.

That have a pulse.

That are younger than my mom.

That are older than 28 since I am 29. (No robbing the cradle for me...)

Oh and that either has a job or is at least trying to find another one ambitiously!

That has a vehicle.

Has a sense of humor insane enough to put up with me.

Apparently, there ARE some of these men out there. I just haven't gotten one to really pay a ton of attention to me yet. In the 2.5 days that I have been on the website. Whatever, details.

I found one guy on there that I have exchanged a few messages with. He seems very nice, but I am having a hard time figuring out if he is just being kind, or if there is any interest.

Then there was the guy that messaged me that was very sweet. I am absolutely not interested, but he said some very kind things. Nothing weird or creepy, just nice. But still no interest.

Then? There was the dude that messaged me. His questions were "Do you like to kiss and cuddle with your boyfriend daily?", "Do you like to make love to your boyfriend?", "Do you enjoy having a boyfriend live with you?"....TOO MUCH! This was like his 5th and 6th questions to me!

And he hunts.

So....no.

It's funny because I am hoping to actually go on a date. And not be rejected. (Again, details) For me, this is very strange. I have never been on an actual date. Ever. When Senor and I were together, I was the "bread winner". For the entire 10 years. And during (don't judge, we were on a break!) those ten years, the other guy I saw, who was actually awesome, did KIND OF take me on a date. But we were always in a group. Him and I really could have worked out pretty freaking well actually...but I went back to Senor. Meh.

And before that? It was high school. And I dated one guy for a while, and again? I was the "bread winner". (Seeing a habit here - need to break it!) And so on and so forth...

I want to be taken out. I am always willing to put my money forth, of course...and obviously...but for once, I would like to meet a guy that feels as if I am worth showing a good time. That feels his hard earned money is something he is happy to spend on and with me.

Maybe say some good thoughts and pass them this way for me?

I'll be happy when...

2010-08-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

It's funny...I was emailing with a friend today (who might be reading - if so, HI!!) about finding a guy that is not a chubby chaser, but a normal guy that is happy with how we are now. The one that accepts us as we are, but supports us whatever we decide to do size wise. One that would encourage us to be healthy, but still tell us we are beautiful.

She mentioned a dating site she had met a guy on.

She has a date.

And she was supposed to have had one with him sooner, but she too was dating Douchey McDoucherson. Apparently, Senor is not the only one? Weird.

Anyhoo, what I find interesting is that I did the same thing. I am sure many of us do the same thing. We stay with a guy even when we aren't totally happy.

We pretend we are.

We talk about the cute things he does.

We talk about the fun things we do.

We don't talk about the fact that those few things we are mentioning that are great? Usually are the ONLY things he is doing well in the relationship.

We aren't perfect in the relationships either, but we are trying. We are putting ourselves second. Third...Not even on the list maybe?

We accept that we aren't really happy for many reasons. Maybe we are afraid of being alone?

I don't know why I stayed with Senor so long. Probably because of the lonliness factor. At least, I am sure that had something to do with it.

As I have put on weight, my "value" of myself has gone down. I don't feel that when I walk into a room that I have ANY eyes on me. And if I do? It's cause I am fat.

And that freaking sucks!

I used to feel amazing when I would walk into a party, room, anything. I could see a few eyes from the male gender glance over at me more than once, I would get the Oh You Look So Great's...now I don't.

I can't tell you the last time someone (besides my mom) said you look great today. I hear your shirt is cute, your hair looks cute, oh cute bracelet...but that's it.

And I don't have as much because of my size. Plain and simple. I am afraid that I won't be able to do something because of my size. So I just don't even try.

I keep telling myself, I will do that when I get to this size. Or lose this much weight. Or when I can fit into this.

But since I am not really ever doing anything, I am doing nothing. I am not taking care of myself. You tend to not do nice things for yourself when you aren't content with who you are.

I really liked me when I was out having fun, doing things, hanging out with friends. I was more fun to be around, more interesting, more everything.

And that is attractive, no matter your size.

I need to stop putting off my happiness. I will never find true happiness (albeit, I am sure I would smile a bit more if I liked how I fit in my jeans) inside a size 8. Or any size.

I will be happy when....when I like myself no matter my size.

Dhurty, Dhurty...Crap.

2010-08-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since Senor and I stopped talking, I have been aloooone (said in a deep saddened voice with a hint of sarcasm).

(Not too much sarcasm though. This is my life we are talking about)

(And not too deep a voice cause seriously, I am man crazy right now)

(Seriously)

Senor and I had been together on and off for ten+ years. And in that time, we had our "breaks" from each other. As in, he was off screwing something. And a few times, I even got to have a life. That included the oppositve sex thankyouverymuch.

But now? We haven't spoken, texted or anything since about June 14th. Not that much time in reality. But this time, I don't want to "rekindle" anything. I am so tired of him. I hated the drama, the lying, the cheating, the "I don't know if I am going to go back to her so why can't we just be together now so that I have someone to take care of me?" attitude....That's NOT a relationship. That's a pile of dog shit.

And I am ok with moving on.

If I could find someone to move on with.

But then there was this picture in the new Rolling Stones Mag of some of the True Blood folks (Eric, Sookie and Bill) that is not doing my durty little mind any great favors....ok, well it IS...but I might have to get the picture laminated. So as not to ruin it.

The fact that in the photo they are covered in blood (bloody mary mix) does NOT turn me off. It worsens its effect.

And most actors/actresses wear some kind of patch or sock for their dhurty scenes. Alex? (left) does not. AYE CHIHUAHUA! Yes, that's what I said.

Oh, then hot dude that works in our building? Saw him get off of his "ride" and he walked into the building. I waved hi. Mami, Lenses and I all just sat there staring at him. Then one of us brought up how tight his back end is...we got chill bumps. I nearly fainted from all the blood rushing.

Thank God I am not a man. I would have needed to sit down for awhile.

Point is, I really want some Godforesaken attention from the male gender. I am not desperate. But I am borderline freaking insane.

Normally I am not all for the whole chubby chaser kind of guys, but at this point I am open to all avenues.

Just being able to go somewhere and hold hands, giggle at inside jokes, have a smooch or two...dinner and a movie type stuff...that all sounds really appealing. I didn't really have that with Senor much. And if we did go out, I had to pay.

Is it too much to want more? More intimacy, fun, enjoyment? I hope not. And if it is? Well, I still have high hopes. Even if they do require a genie.

Random me...Monday Me...

2010-08-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I somehow managed to get up and dressed by 10 am both days.

This? Is freaking amazing. I am NOT a good little sleeper/waker upper. I tend to sleep away the days if given the opportunity. Or guilt finally gets too thick. I feel like I have to be up and productive. My problem is that with all my crazy self (OCD, depression, OCD again, panic attacks, etc) I tend to just laze around. And then take a nap.

Then I got Ambien. (I want to be in a commercial! HA!) I sleep fantastic! I actually don't mind/dread waking up. I am still sleepy during the day, which sucks. But i was much more able to be productive over the weekend. I got out and did stuff.

My problem is that my stupid headaches haven't left yet. I don't know if they are from my new crazy pills or from my eyes and glasses. I can't really focus on anything. Let alone this freaking computer. LOL But I don't think I can get another exam done on my insurance yet. I should call....

Anywaysiedaisie, I made friends with the Verizon wireless guy on the phone last night. I tend to do that on occassion. A few of my friends have made fun of me. The one that they all point out is the "friend" I made with a guy with my mortgage company. I had to talk to him several times, some of which one of my friends heard. He wanted to come visit me when he came to see his aunt or something. Him and his gf had just broken up. He lived in Georgia. From Idaho though. He was 29. Rode a motorcycle. His job was ok. LOL

Last night, the Verizon guy was just super nice. Said that he was glad I had so much patience and that he actually enjoyed talking to me. That my side conversations with my mom and my animals were entertaining to him. And that his mom has 3 dogs and she is overwhelmed. And that he couldn't believe JonBenet would be 20 - side conversation.

I make friends....special. Creepy cyber stalkerish special, but special nonetheless.

My mom had a big weekend...not only did she learn how to use Yahoo!Messenger, she got her hair colored! Both big for this woman!

The Yahoo! thing was so she could talk to my dad? Brad? Whichever you want to call him I spose. Anyways, he wanted to talk to her on that instead of just email...so she gave in. She was super frustrated at first and made me type. That was ridiculous. So she got back on. Now he wants her to try Skype. I don't see that happening yet.

And her hair...She has had blonde hair since before I was born. Blonde with blonder highlights. So this dark brownish red copper color looks great! Shockingly different though to me.

I managed to get this little table my mom got me painted. I LURVE it! It was this dark hideous stained brown kinda thing. Now? It's pale yellow and it looks EXTREMELY shabby chicish! SQEEEEEEE!!!! I love it so much! Now I just need mother dearest to sand (ewwwwww!!!!!! texture issues!) the coffee table down that my tenants left in the closet so that we can paint it this soft greenish color. YAY!

I keep going back and forth with what I want for my birthday (30 - yuck!) iPad (expensive), Kindle (I love books so much, but I also love texture of holding books), a bike (pale pink Schwinn beach cruiser!) or just to sleep the weekend away....So tortured.

Ok, I am done being random. I am done talking. For now.

I want to come up with some new blog ideas. I have so much to say, yet when I go to write, I go blank. Blank I say!

Sometimes...Neil explains it all...

2010-08-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to a nice weekend, some antiquing (read:shopping!) and sleeping in. I hope all you lil bloggies have a good weekend!

see more Señor Gif

When Agreeing to Disagree Turns Deadly...

2010-08-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well, not really deadly. Just sucky.

I think a friend of mine and I are going through a rough patch. Not sure though. It's a slippery slope. I don't argue with my friends. Pretty much ever. Shanel and I have NEVER argued. We talk smack about each other, regularly. But we say it to each other's faces as well. Have for, um...over 15 years!

Anyways, today a friend and I got into a bit of a disagreement. Ok. That's totally cool. We have differing view points. And that's totally normal.

Then she told me about her boss that DOES. NOT. LIKE. ME. At'all. She and I were on a committee together about two years ago, and she thinks I am lazy. And apparently, according to the conversation today, she also thinks I am bossy.

I may be these things.

In fact, sometimes I wish I would bite my tongue after I have said things. I am pushy. I am needy. I am a stereotypical only child. I CAN be lazy. But I have never missed a deadline or turned in crappy work. Ever. I don't half ass my work.

And it makes me think of an old sticker a co-worker had - "Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time."

But is it ok for my friend's BOSS to tell my friend these things? To tell her "situations" to basically prove that I am not a good person? And thus, my friend should part ways with me?

She has never said that my friend and I shouldn't be friends directly. At least, I don't think. But she has made some comments about how great my friend is at her job, and how I, who works not only not in the same department, but on an entirely different floor, is not good at mine.

And the hardest part for me? Not being able to directly confront this boss and tell her my thoughts exactly.

Hell, to have her say to not only my face, but to the faces of an HR Rep what she has been telling her employee. It's terribly inappropriate.

And I think that unfortunately, I have let her words get to me.

I question myself a lot. I have a shit ton of insecurities that not a single soul is aware of. I have learned to hide behind humor and well thought out words. (ok, well thought out in the sense that I don't sound all ass hurt about something)

But I think this is a really shitty situation. And to be honest? I really wish my friend would have right old told her boss that she felt uncomfortable hearing these things since I am her friend.

But she hasn't. Not right now. I guess it's difficult to tell your boss that? I think for a lot of people it must be. But for me, I would have right out said it.

I hate being put in the middle of things that make me feel all weird and jumbly inside.

But then I wonder?...Maybe she doesn't really "stand up" against it because that's how she really feels. That I really am bossy and lazy.

And that totally hurts worse. But at the same time, I feel badly. Cause I don't give a shit. Because I have enough issues with myself, I beat myself up constantly. I have so many issues that could surpass National Geographic. Most of them I keep to myself, but they escape sometimes. I get called weird a lot. A lot. And sometimes I am being weird. other times, I was only expressing an opinion or thought, and am called weird.

I have held onto so many hurts and pains in my life, and I don't need to worry that my friends want to add to them, even if not on purpose.

I am far as can be from a perfect friend. I am a lazy friend. But I love my friends. I just have a really crappy way of showing it sometimes.

But I will do anything to keep negativity away from my friends. I will throw myself under the bus before I would ever want to hurt one of them, or want someone else to.

I remember being in middle school and a couple of friends and I were sitting around. Boys and girls. One of the guys that my friend had a crush on started kind of doing the stupid boy thing where he was picking on her. He then asked her about her mustache. Yes, a boy that my friend had a crush on pointed out not only a flaw, but he did it in front of other friends. So...I jumped in. I started pointing out my mustache and my hairy face and my anything you will look at so that she isn't embarassed any more you jerk! Maybe this was easy for me cause I am fair skinned with light hair - hence any facial hair I have is relatively difficult to see. But I also did this because an unhappy friend makes for an unhappy me. and I don't like being unhappy.

I don't keep in touch with friends like I should, I don't show up for things when invited all the time, I am always late to friends stuff, I sometimes have to buy presents later than the holiday/birthday because of finances or laziness....But I love them. Each and every one.

So it really hurts when my insecurities are brought out into the air by someone I don't know. And left hanging there by a friend.

I need thicker skin maybe.

Unfortunately, sometimes I do.

Doctors Schmoctors

2010-08-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

I took a sick day yesterday and finally went to the doctor. Yay fun times! I slept until noon and then finally got up, showered and ready to go. Then I started to pass out on the couch again in the interim. Ugh.

When the nurse first came out to get me, she immidiately tried to take me to the scale. I said, Ahh, do I hafta? I was literally just here like two weeks ago. Literally. My weight? No change. She said after gaffawing and getting that polly pissy pants look on her face "I guess. But you HAVE to next time." Um, no I don't. FYI. Then as we passed another nurse, she actually rolled her eyes and did like a wink thing to the nurse! She didn't realize I was walking like almost next to her. Nice.

Anyways, basically I spent over an hour with the Physican's Assistant (anyone else feel that PA's are WAY better at patient care than most doctors?) I started out all chatty and stuff, explaining some of my issues. She decided to put me on new crazy meds and gave me a prescription for Ambien. (more on that later) And we discussed my exhaustion. She asked the last time I could remember ever waking up and feeling well rested. I started crying. I mean, is there SUCH a thing? I mean, I know everyone is tired. But I am perpetually exhausted. The only reason I get up in the morning is because of work/bills or if I feel guilty. But I almost ALWAYS nap. Even right now, I could just keep over. And am always yawning.

So I was crying and telling her that I just had resigned myself to the fact I would forever feel shitty. Not really the way I wanted to live...cause it doesn't really feel like living. Just going through the motions.

So she asked about me doing a sleep study. Meh. Don't wanna. Not sure why, but it just sounds CREEPY! Having strangers monitor how you sleep? In an unfamiliar bed? Ummm...BLECH!

But basically she was not a PA to be messed with. So...I am now signed up for a sleep study consult on the 31st of this month in Seattle. Then from there they schedule to ~~stalk me~~ monitor my sleeping.

I think the reason I am so afraid of this is the chance I might have sleep apnea. I told her this. I consider sleep apnea to be a super fat person "thing". And this would be admitting such. She said that there are plenty of thinner people with apnea, but yes...my extra skin could be the culprit as well.

And that sucks.

A lot.

She could see that I was pretty upset by it, and she was browing my medical history. She asked if something I was interested in was like Lap Band or anything. I said HELLS yes. She said that my insurance may or may not cover the surgery IF I have a weight related issue. Like sleep apnea.

I called my insurance today. I was beyond excited! I mean, I couldn't imagine what my life COULD BE!

It's a no go through them. My benefits don't include that. It's amazing how much something I never really had could still feel as if it's being ripped from me.

So I tried going online to apply for the Care Credit to help pay for it. YAY - Approval! For $2k. Gee, only $15k left.

So I don't know what I am going to aim to do yet.

The rest of the appointment was discussing me going back to therapy cause I guess I tend to hold things in and make pretend that everything is hunky dorey. And then I snap. And I have to have more blood work. She wants to have me retested for everything. I dislike needles.

Wow - I am being Debby Downer. On the plus side though - AMBIEN!

I took the pill at about 9:10 last night after getting a warning from Nell that people do weird things on this stuff sometimes. I got in bed and started reading.

I don't remember 9:30 ever getting there. And did you know that Ambien also slows time? Yep! I woke up a couple of times and looked at the clock. I remember specifically a few times going WHOO HOO! I felt like I had been sleeping forever! And I loved it!

And on another happy...new crazy pills might make me less spazzy. That's always a good thing.

Oh, and my add to the blog because she bought me cajun crab cakes from the commissary and I love her eternally for it - http://www.freejoshpuckett.com%20and/ and because this is something that is dear to her heart...

An Ode To Sleeping...

2010-08-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

For a FREAKING 41 HOURS. In one weekend. Sometimes in a loveseat, sometimes on the couch and sometimes spread out across my bed. Had I needed to pray to the porcelin God any more than I did, I would have also made a bed in there.

And guess what? I am still ~~freaking exhausted as all hell~~ tired. I feel like a drained piece of diseased meat. Yum. But at least my hair folicles no longer hurt.

I haven't been feeling well for a while, as I am sure everyone and their mother knows. I am a huge whiner when it comes to ~~dying a terrible death~~ being sick.

I watched a lot of partial movies. (Kept falling asleep at the crucial parts.) Did manage to watch two movies on Lifetime though. Wow, that channel is really depressing, yet addicting. The one that I watched with my mom was about a girl who was the only daughter to her parents. She was in her 30's and had moved back home with her whacked out mom after a bitter break up. Turns out, mommy dearest was super uber possessive over her daughter and had the "if I can't have her, no one can" mentality. She wanted to know everything her daughter was doing. Even tried poisoning her daughter's dog to get her to come home early from a weekend date.

My mom kept asking if she was that bad. I said not yet.

The other movie made my mom want to spit fire. Long story short - mom, dad, three sons and one precious daughter. Daughter was raped by schoolmate. Dad couldn't even look at daughter "cause it hurt so bad". So mom and dad sent her off "for her own good" to live with the aunt. They didn't even speak to her for like 2 years. Dad turns into lush, brother tries to kill the rapist dude, dad dies, family all comes together again. This was supposed to have taken place in the 60's I believe, but Lord help me if I ever met a family who sent their daughter off for being raped. I would go ballistic! My mom kept repeating, "Oh, like it's HER fault! Awful parents! Stupid dad! Stupid mom!"

We are babysitting a friend's dog (did I mention this? Memory is the first thing to go) and he is such an oddball. He grunts constantly. Like an old man. And he perpetually excited to go outside and go pee. Oh, and if you say his full name? He gets so excited he tries to hump you. Awkward. Good snuggler though when he isn't chewing on himself. He decided that bringing a few fleas into my household was a good present. It's not - FYI.

Last week, Lense and I went on a volunteer thing through work. It is called Paint Tacoma Beautiful. It was a lot of fun. And bonus - we got off of "work" at 1 pm! YAY! So we headed to the mall, paint covered. And sweaty. SEXY!

I went into the Apple store and finally got to play with an iPad. I? am in freaking love! I want one so bad! But I just can't justify paying $500 for something that I only want for the cool factor. I mean, don't get me wrong - totally worth it! But I want to go on a vacation more than I want a cool thing...well, mostly.

So I have been doing this vegetarian thing for about 3 + months now. It's really not that bad at all. I think my major "desire" right now is a steak and potato off the bbq. With lots and lots of A1 and Heinz 51. I want to roll around in the plate of it. But for the most part, I am still doing pretty well. I haven't had any meat or meat products - except shrimp and crab. I am in love with Morningstar Farms Chik'n fillets and could eat them by the dozen. Having one today in fact.

I just wish that the stores near me carried more of a selection of the Morningstar Farms varieties. They even have fake bbq ribs and philly cheesesteak sandwiches! YAY!! Need to find them!

I am excited to eat my alfalfa sprout salad with sunflower seeds, chik'n patty and beans and rice today. Weird, I know. Then again, all I had all weekend was two ears of corn and one thing of top ramen. Which I am also obsessed with. I am sure I will pay for that later.

Alright, well I am going to be my awesome self and go pick up a car for Bossman. He has to drive to Salem, OR this afternoon.

I am hoping to be able to feel like myself again and find my funny fabulous self again.

Thank you to the folks that read me - you are all freaking awesome! Don't be afraid to follow me though! Didjaknow that following me actually feeds poor children in other countries (contract in US pending), supplies water to the giraffes of Istanbul and helps people's skin improve? Yep! No lie!

So following me will be a good thing. Oh, and your sex life improves too. I know - crazy.

And just so she knows I never forget...cause she hits hard...

2010-08-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANEL!!! You will always be the mostest specialist bestest friend/sister in the entire world!

I miss you and love you mucho!

Mojo Lacking

2010-08-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Exactly how I am feeling today. Earlier, I was all ramped up, reading all the blogs I had missed yesterday. I planned on writing about my volunteer project I was involved with yesterday.

But now? I am just feeling all headachy. It's my stupid meds - I keep forgetting to take them. The panic attack ones. So when I go without for very long, two days or more, I start getting really sick.

Totally self inflicted, I know. But it doesn't make it feel any better! And now? Totally out of the pills. gah!

One of my former coworkers from a different department was just at my desk with a friend of mine. The only thing that kept him from whispering in my ear that I turn him on and that he would leave his wife for me was? my friend standing here. He still did manage to come into my cubicle area while he grabbed my shoulders. He loves me. Has for a couple of years. He's not like scary weird though, so I never say anything to HR or anything. He's not a bad guy, just too vocal. And touchy.

But I know if I ever told him back the eff up, he totally would. I just see him so rarely or we are around so many people, that I don't worry about it.

I am hoping to make it out to Seafair this weekend in Seattle. I LURVE the Blue Angels, or really any airplane ever. But it gets so freaking packed out there that I get all stabby.

So...Blogher is going on. I cry a little inside. I don't know all there is to know about it as I have never gone...but I have heard some stories and it's all like blogger bonding and stuff...I am totally missing out!!

Question for the day: Where on God's green freaking earth can I find coloring books that are not TOTALLY inundated (sp?) with puzzles and shtuff? It's irritating but I wanna color!!!

You are SO...pretty!

2010-08-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

This whole weekend was fun! I had to take yesterday off just to recoup from my weekend! Loving it....

Saturday, I went to Big Sis' house for a jewelry party. Ok, calm enough. There is this game at the beginning that the "jewelry lady" does every time. I have been to quite a few of the parties. So I play hard. THIS is how I replenish my jewelry. I win. And people get all mad at me. It's not a game that you know the answers ahead of time. It's a luck game kinda. I just really try to find the luckies. Sore losers!

I ate some hors deurves...or however the hell that's spelled...and drank a Diet Pepsi. Looked at expensive stuff. That I can't afford. Hence the game playing.

Then folks started leaving. And Big Sis, her husband and a couple others and I broke out the beer. And we drank. And drank. And drank. We laughed at the kids that were playing and had a good ol' time. The little boy peed on the side of her house in the gravel cause he is learning the whole potty training thing. Felt it was appropriate to not wet his diaper. It was so cute!

We BBQ'd (I had a veggie burger) and played youtube videos from our phones for everyone. Good night!

Sunday I went to Little Lenses place for her son's birthday party. He is two. There were a couple of kids there, but really? How many two year olds that aren't in daycare really have too many friends? Srsly. So it was mostly adults. Her son totally made out in the gift area! I think Lense was more excited than her kid!

One of her friends was there that I had not met before. I had met her sister the previous week, and really, really liked her. Totally cool chick! Her sister though? Kind of a mess. A really COOL mess, but the alcohol seems to make her less cool and more beligerant. At a two year old's birthday party. Where she exposed her left breast. Three times. When we told her that it wasn't really kosher to do that, she said "I did it away from all the people!" I didn't mention to her that she may have done it away from the folks sitting in the bbq pit area, but she did it TOWARDS the playground. Where there are children.

She then decided that those weren't hot dogs on the grill. They were dicks. She needed a big brown dick...quote unquote. Yep, she said that. In front of gramma and grampas. In front of nephews and nieces.

Oh, and she finished the whole bit off by shoving her thumb up Lenses boyfriend's butt.

I was really glad that I got to meet her prior to all that. Cause I liked her. Now I just know that she is not one to drink around unless you a.) are at a bachelorette party and nowhere near your home city and don't share the same hotel as her b.) want to be arrested.

After her sister drove her home, we all had a good chuckle. Especially at the part that she had put fire truck temporary tattoos from the kid's gift boxes all over her boobs.

Grampas were entertained. Hell, so was I. I wasn't "that girl". :)

Anywho, we left there and went to Lenses boyfriends dad's house. He lives on a lake with a GREAT fire pit. It was a lot of fun! Since Lenses son was staying with his auntie, we all got a bit drunk and laughed a lot. And Lense was HILARIOUS!

She kept drinking more and more and more...and she hadn't really eaten that much at all. Plus, she's small. So it all hit her really hard. Family she hadn't seen in a long, long time was up visiting, and she was totally having a good time.

In the few hours I spent there before going home, I got to watch her tell not only me, but everyone there that she loved them and they were pretty. She would stand up, stagger, spill some of her drink and announce to whomever was near her that they were pretty.

She is a totally nice drunk.

And she would grab my face and tell me she loved me. Heck, I love the girl too!

And she got in a fight with her brother in law...well, she thought she did. Because they always argue. And he is kind of a butt. So when he told her to sit down and quit spilling her drink and not fall in the fire, she took it as an argument. And she needed to shut him up.

So she told him "YOU put that there up your butt! HA!" And she sat down.

Oh, and then she was talking to a girl that is semi dating a friend of hers. However, girl is married. But she knew that no one out at this party knew her except Lense and the guy. So she was safe. Right?

Not with Lense around! hehe She gave the girl a big hug, told her she was pretty and that she should be with the guy. IF ONLY SHE WEREN'T MARRIED! Lense yelled out. Girl was mortified.

We all already knew since Lense had shared it all with us previously. :) It was FUNNNNY!

I went home, ate some Top Ramen at like 2 am and then vacuumed. I was semi productive! yay!

So yesterday I got up, steam cleaned the whole house with a Rug Doctor as I do once a month and then took a nap. A long, long nap. Got up, and watched all the awful daytime tv I possibly could take.

It was fabulous.

Tomorrow I am doing a Paint Tacoma Beautiful volunteer thing through work. I am pretty excited! I have done the Habitat for Humanity thing many times, but this is more landscaping and stuff...I think. I am excited to be out of the office and away from the indoors for the day. Plus? I get to sleep in a bit. SQWEEEEEE!!!!

Oh, and if anyone has any ideas for decorating a cubicle...I am getting bored with mine. I can do almost anything within reason. Ideas? Thoughts? What NOT to do's? I can't have any naked folks porn. Sadz.

Blogging World Cried...Right?

2010-07-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not writing yesterday...and not sure that I will get a great one out today later.

I have had a headache since yesterday afternoon that is making me feel nauseated. And yet, I am going to be working today.

I WOULD stay at home today sleeping it off, however we are taking Blondie out this evening for a going away party. Sucks...Her leaving and me feeling crappy.

Anywho, I know the blogging world must have held a collective breath and then spent the entire evening wondering if I was ok...Please....don't deny it. I know. :)

I will try to post later today. Not sure if I will make it though. Make use the keyboard to lay my head on later.

Oh, but if ya'll could post some of your funniest and greatest? That would be great. I will still be reading. Soooooo....thanks.

Bubba Love...

2010-07-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

Hellz to the ya I iz cute!

My little Bubba, Vegas...He is one of the best freaking dogs in the entire universe. Seriously. He is the best snuggler on the planet. Whenever I hold out my arms and say "Bubba Nuggle" he jumps up onto my lap and tucks his head under my chin and just hangs with me. He LOVES hugs.

But he is still a Man's Man kind of dog. He doesn't want to be one of those prissy little dogs that has to be carried everywhere. And he isn't a super licky kind of dog. He might give a kiss or two, but that's if he's really feeling you.

And not a real big barker either.

Which is awesome.

Except Flower is. So he feels like he needs to join in occassionally.

Oh, and he HATES...no, he LOATHES skateboarders and bike riders. Loathes. He thinks they are the devil.

However, he doesn't seem to trust me as much lately.

Ize qwestion youse honestee momma...

Whenever I call him downstairs to maybe hang out in the bathroom with me while I get ready in the morning, he second guesses that it's the best decision and RUNS upstairs again. He will NOT come down.

Maybe it's the tone I take? I do not know. I only kind of terrorize him. I mean, he is a true boy dog and he gets into crap he shouldn't. And he is little and white. So it kind of shows up pretty quick when he needs bath time.

Vewy unhappy puppy

I sometimes like to dress him up a little. But for the most part he likes that. He prances around and loves all the attention he receives.

Rock On.

And if he gets a "special" doggy bone, like a Bully Stick (which I just learned is actually a bull penis.) (I didn't know this because I wouldn't have given them to my dog if I had) (Nor would I have put them near my nose as I sniffed them) (Cause that is one sniff short of zoophilia) (nasty)...or a Greenie, he will walk all over the place trying to show any person or any other animal that he has it. He snorts when he does this. And he wiggles too. It's freaking adorable.

And if I say "Go show Gramma, Bubba", he'll go find my mom and prance around her feet while she makes a big deal about it.

I freaking love it! I can actually see his smile! And the look he gets on his face when he gets to go bye bye in the car?! Holy crap! It's heaven for him!

But when I go to leave at a time that is not acceptable to him? Like any time OTHER than I am headed to work? He sits on the stairs with this look...it's the most depressing look any doggie could ever have. It breaks my heart! I wish I could take him EVERYWHERE with me.

He rides really well in the basket on the front of my bike, on a snowmobile, a four wheeler, a sled, a wagon, shopping carts...anything. If I tell him to sit somewhere, he just does. And on the ferries up here? He will walk around and follow me on the top deck. No leash or nothing. He just goes where I tell him.

He's a professional model now.

He is GREAT to take pictures of! He's a total ham!

I don't know how I could love anything more than I love Vegas. I am so thankful that he is my baby.

Wuv him

I just felt that his wonderfulness needed to be shared with all!